Mosaic Satire: 10 things that take less time than Two-Factor Authentication

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Unknown/THE REVIEW
What’s faster than two-factor authentication? Pretty much everything.

BY
MANAGING MOSAIC EDITOR

Two-factor authentication, the university’s new cybersecurity measure, requires students to not only enter a username and password to access their university email, but to also enter a short code. The code comes in via text message or email, and it’s different every time. Gone are the days of accessing one’s email with true speed and efficiency.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Lisa, it can’t possibly take that long!” In response, I’d like you to consider this list of nine things that take less time than two-factor authentication.

1. Waiting in line to get your caffeine fix at the Starbucks in Smith.
Every latte the baristas put down on the counter starts to look like it could be yours – alas, none of them are. Your class starts in two minutes, and now you’re going to be That Person, walking in late with overpriced coffee.

2. Your most boring Tuesday/Thursday lecture.
You know the one: not even for your major, monotone professor, always puts you nearly to sleep.

3. Arguing with Kirkbride Jesus.
Does anyone even have the time? Now they do, as long as they’re waiting to get into their email.

4. Getting a text back from that would-be-special-someone who’s ghosting you.
Just when you see those three grey dots pop up … they disappear again. (Move on, you’re better than this. Your best friend agrees with me.)

5. Binge-watching all 12 seasons of your latest Netflix find.
Whether you’re devouring all 12 seasons of “Grey’s Anatomy” or freaking out over “The X-Files,” you’ll be done by the time you can read your emails, access Canvas or do basically anything else related to the university.

6. Finding a job after graduation.
By the time you’ve done this, you won’t even need your .edu email address anymore. Your days of class notifications, UD Alerts and student discounts from Amazon or Spotify are over.

7. Your friend’s blurry, incoherent Saturday night Snapchat story.
You’ve seen enough of the Blair-Witch-shaky-cam and heard enough pulsing pop music, so you tap to move on to the next story. But wait– there’s more loud music and more dizzying party/bar footage.

8. The time it takes to buy anything using a debit card with a chip.
At least by the time you’ve paid with the chip, the cashier may have forgotten that when they said “Enjoy your food,” you promptly responded, “You, too!”

9. Actually checking your email.
You know what? That one’s not even a joke.

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