SMITH HALL – As election season quickly approaches, sophomore Colin Fitz has begun to spend less time organizing his camouflage hat and gun collection and more time eagerly combing through Facebook posts in order to find the right meme to drop some serious knowledge on his Politics and the Media class.
“I’m a political science major, so I automatically know everything there is to know about politics,” says Fitz, who is very vocal about how often he has considered dropping out of college while pursuing a political science degree because he “didn’t need any more indoctrination by the liberal media.” His staunch opposition to his political science classes, however, have been supplemented by his impeccable ability to quote some real eye-opening image macros about “making America great again” at least three times a week in his classes.
“Yeah, when I repeat whatever meme I saw on my aunt’s Facebook page about Affirmative Action, it doesn’t have the dancing minions next to it,” said Fitz, “but it doesn’t make the words any less powerful. Reverse-racism is just as harmful and totally existent as ever.”
“Almost every class he tries to argue with me about something,” explains his professor. “One time all I did was flip to a slide with President Obama on it and he started booing.”
Fitz has made clear, through his endless comments about white genocide and how “people are too sensitive,” that chatting with riled up middle aged fathers about political issues has provided him with more real world experience than most of his professors. “Oh man, I just hope one of them brings up the riots in Baltimore,” said Fitz, “No one in this class is prepared for what I think Martin Luther King would say if he were alive. I’m so ready to end this discussion with this totally unique thought that I have. Me and Pepe the frog are about to change some minds.”
Fitz’s classmates have expressed generally apathetic sentiments to his rants, many noting that the frequency with which they occur have made them a completely normal part of the classroom discourse.
“My friends online agree with me, this generation just doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and I do. Black people today don’t know what black people today need,” explained Fitz, referencing a picture of the Montgomery Bus Boycott with the caption, “Would Rosa Parks do the Nae Nae?”
“Whenever he opens his mouth in class I’m usually preoccupied wondering how he managed to cover every inch of his laptop with Confederate flag stickers than listening to anything he has to say,” said a classmate.
Fitz remains confident that the upcoming election season will allow him more time to try and convince his classmates of their indoctrination.
“It used to be annoying when teachers would try to tell me that I’m wrong, especially when there’s so much on Reddit to prove that I’m right,” Fitz bragged. “I don’t see why anyone would ever have any doubts about something written in bold white font.”