Mosaic Satire: A guide to perfect etiquette
In college, you’re all on your own. There’s no mother to tell you to “eat with your mouth closed” or “hold the door for that old lady over there.” How do you survive without constant nagging? The best way is to just forget everything you’ve ever learned.
Start off by having all of your friends watch you eat six plates of food within 10 minutes. There is nothing more exciting than shoveling down forkful after forkful without taking a breath. While you’re at it, unhinge your jaw and eat the table, too. Even better, just disregard the fork altogether. Everything is fingerfood now!
Every etiquette class covers the topic of talking with food in your mouth. When should you do it? The best time is when you have a really greasy, stringy slice of pizza. Make sure it’s too hot to eat, so you have to eat with your mouth open. This is the best time to babble on and complain about everything you feel you’re entitled to. Be sure to stick your tongue out and wipe around your mouth, because a tongue is just as good as a napkin.
While we’re talking about eating, what do you do if you and your ten friends can’t find a table in the dining hall that fits you? This happens to all of us. Grab some tables and group them together so you can all talk. Not everybody has the basic human decency to let those tables crowd the walkway. While you’re at it, make sure the poor dining hall staffers can’t get through to their work stations on time now that they have to go around you.
As you enter the dining hall, remember to close the door shut behind you. This is especially important if there is somebody behind you: make sure they have to open the door themselves. The worst kind of person is the one who sees a girl walking down the stairs to Caesar Rodney and holds the door patiently until she reaches it. That’s just a dirty habit. Nobody would ever appreciate having to say “thank you” for somebody who rudely held a door for them.
While we’re on that topic, you definitely overuse the words “please, “thank you” and “I’m sorry.” Don’t even say them at all. Not when the lunch lady hands you your plate and not when the door is held for you. If you find you say these words too often, here are some tips:
To avoid saying please, demand everything instead. It’s best if you add “now” at the end of your demanding sentence. “Give me that chocolate mint brownie, right now.” It makes people think you’re ambitious.
Forget about apologizing. Blame your pain and struggles on everybody else. The best way to do this is to have a hazy chain of events that start with your roommate waking up later than you, which lead you to have to get dressed in the dark, which lead you to wear two different shoes, so you tripped on the sidewalk, and your books fell everywhere and people crashed into you and now you’re late for class, but it’s all your roommate’s fault. Tell them that too, so they know they’re the cause of your cataclysmic morning.
“Thank you” is the worst of all words. Glare at other people instead. You can practice this while somebody is helping you up from the fall you just had, thanks to your roommate’s alarm not going off. Growling and stalking off are also some great suggestions.
The most important etiquette, for the utmost courtesy, is to always be on your phone. When you’re with one friend, text another. When you’re watching a movie with this friend, scroll through Twitter. The best time to FaceTime your mom is when you’re at the dining hall with a group of people. When you’re walking from one place to another, trip over the people in front of you and ignore the funny story your friend is telling you by scrolling through pictures on Facebook. You are now the greatest friend a person could ever have.
If you follow all of these directions, you’ll be on the right path to becoming the most polite person on campus. People will envy you, take pictures and even ask for your autograph. Just remember to glare and say “no” for every small request they ask for, and then text other people while they drool over you – then you’ll never disappoint your fans.