Biden voted Supreme Head of Universe

Biden satire
In Mosaic’s latest satire, Joe Biden’s recent campus visit gets a fantasy re-telling.

BY
SENIOR REPORTER

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. All statements and characters are fictional.

A bald eagle soared across The Green on Friday as former Vice President Joe Biden took the stage and pumped his fist heroically. This was the only event that could have succeeded in getting college students up before 10 a.m.

As president of the university Dennis Assanis surveyed The Green that morning, he realized his school had a lot more students than he thought.

In anticipation of Biden’s majestic arrival, birds stopped singing and professors actually stopped talking as a jumbotron, even bigger than the one the football team has, showed a video of Biden discussing ice cream choices.

“He likes chocolate chip!” a chorus of professors shouts from the third floor of Brown Lab.

It seemed as though the DelaWorld shut down for the time being as they welcomed back their favorite son.

“Who is that?” a girl wearing a t-shirt with a collage of Biden eating ice cream says, pointing to the stage.

Her friend tried to explain that it was the university president, Dennis Assanis, but she did not seem to recall who that was.

Limited edition t-shirts were handed out as the growing crowd opened their Snapchats and envisioned the moment when their hero would emerge gracefully from the doors of Memorial.

“You better give him a suite at the Courtyard Marriott,” one fan says as he tries to hop the fence. “He deserves a palace!”

Tears streamed down the secret service agent’s face who carts the fan away. It was evident that he agreed.

The pep band began playing the Delaware fight song, and the entire crowd was finally distracted from their statue ideas for their idol by even more earth-shattering news – that UD had a pep band.

Finally, the moment that the crowd had been waiting for arrived. The secret service forced the pep band to stop playing so that AC DC’s “Shook Me All Night Long” could announce the arrival of the man, the myth, the legend.

Flames and t-shirt cannons ignited, sending the crowd into a frenzy, but Biden did not even emerge from the doors. Instead, he simply floated down from the heavens, his smile literally blinding people in the front row.

As he begins his speech, the crowd listens with rapt attention.

“I was on the Dean’s hit list,” Biden says to an entranced crowd. “I don’t know why, all I did was spray an RA with a fire extinguisher.”

The cheers were deafening as the students voiced their approval of what they had only dreamed of doing in their residence halls. The message was clear – Harter RAs needed to chill.

Biden instructed the crowd to get involved in their communities and in politics. And that some of the best and brightest minds he has ever met turned out to be campaign managers and political strategists.

The crowd paused as each member logs into UDSIS and changes their major to political science.

“My job is to get you turned on to politics again,” Biden says. “So if you don’t like something, get off your rear and change it.”

With that, Biden dropped the mic, dived into the crowd, and then disappeared into the clouds once more, aviators on even though it’s raining. The clouds couldn’t stop him and his dream.

Dazed, the crowd dispersed. The first act of involvement in the community is to make Biden’s birthday a national holiday.

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