CRAZY CAT LADY WITH A PEN
MAIN STREET — As part of a new public safety fad on campus, African American students have started to bring along a white friend just in case they need preferential treatment from police. With the UDPD heavily patrolling the frat-house ridden streets of UD, students take the proper precautions to stay out of the police’s way.
“If you ask me, it’s just using my resources tactfully,” said senior Theresa Foust, regarding her white friend, Grace Banks, “Like she can’t help the perks that come along with being white, so why not let her share the fruits to my labor.”
Foust’s friend, sophomore Lina Pepper, said “Grace [Banks] is great, we honestly bring her everywhere I go after 9pm. We have a great time together and her dad’s a professor here at UD so it’s like a double whammy. No cops stop us with her by our side.”
Studies done by white people have recently shown that they are by default, good luck for students of other ethnicities and colors.
“It’s about a 6 to 1 ratio,” said Foust, “For every six of us, we bring one white kid, you know just in case. White people have the buddy system, we have this.”
“My friends and I have spent a lot of time figuring out what makes a good white privilege friend,” said Pepper. “For a while we questioned if it was important to pick someone with a good moral barometer and track record. Lucky for us, it’s not that specific, turns out you just have to be white.”
A recent UD Alert was sent out regarding an armed robbery. “Grace [Banks] was the one thing stopping us from fitting the description,” said Foust. “Whether it’s not being asked if we live around here, or getting into a party, Grace’s sweet smile and pale skin does wonders.”
Pepper is an active member of the UD community and spends most of her free time studying for the LSATs. “I am hoping to go to law school,” she said, “And let me tell you, the law loves white people, so why not get a bunch of white friends I know got my back… you know, just in case.”