The Re-Review: Girl Dating Single Boy

BY
INVESTIGATIVE BYSTANDER

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Emily Moore/THE REVIEW
Sophomore Kasey Reynolds is committed to her completely one-sided relationship.

JAMES SMITH RESIDENCE HALL—Sophomore Kasey Reynolds is in an exclusive relationship with single male Dustin Thomas. Reynolds reports that she is both emotionally and physically committed to Thomas, whom evidence suggests remains uncommitted in every regard to everyone.

Reynolds and Thomas reportedly met on move-in day at the start of the 2015 fall semester.

“I had never believed in love at first sight until the moment I met Dustin,” Reynolds says of their initial interaction. “As I walked down the hall to my own dorm, I peeked inside his and saw an angelic figure arguing with his dad about where to place a mini fridge. It’s so nice that we got to meet each other’s families so early on. It really solidified the relationship.”

Since their original meeting, Reynolds and Thomas have interacted in several mandatory public occasions, such as floor meetings, fire drills and long elevator rides. The one-sided couple both reside on the fourth floor of James Smith; a fact that Reynolds appreciates.

“Living so high up in our building means that the elevator takes a really long time to get to our floor,” she says. “Some of our most special moments are spent waiting for, and then riding and then getting off of our elevator.”

Research gathered by our analysts reveals the noncommittal nature of Thomas. The official Facebook page of Thomas describes him as “single” and “interested in women.” Thomas’ Twitter activity suggests loneliness and active search for love, including multiple retweets of Drake lyrics along with “favoriting” unspectacular tweets crafted by various women in his life. Thomas’ Instagram features photos of himself with several women that are not Reynolds, including photos of his ex-girlfriend that he scrolls through from time to time while frowning.

Thomas’ apparent disregard for their relationship does not daunt Reynolds, who is reported to perform several romantic gestures daily. These include sitting as close to Thomas as possible when in the shared floor lounge, walking sort of slowly on her way home from class so that she and Thomas run into each other, and lightly tapping on his door four times each time she passes it, as four is “their number.”

Thomas does not perform any romantic gestures towards Reynolds or any other woman, as he is single. “I am not in a relationship. I am definitely single,” Thomas says. “I am not dating Kasey.”

When asked if he has any plans of pursuing a romantic involvement with Reynolds, a visibly confused Thomas replies, “No, I’m doing pretty good by myself right now—why would you ask me that?”

Reynolds is reportedly already planning for their six-month anniversary in February.

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