Grotto: Coming to a theater near you

Grottos pizza illustration
Sam Ford/THE REVIEW
To attend a free show at Grotto, please walk past the restaurant and enjoy the action.

BY
Column Editor

Do you need a break from studying and just want to forget about the endless worries of life? Is there nothing good on television to keep you entertained and keep your mind off of your struggles? Well, instead of stopping by ye olde Main Street Theater, why not hop on over to the parking lot of Grotto Pizza? Although this spot may not immediately come to mind, I assure you that the Grotto parking lot will fulfill all your needs. Each night, this promising destination caters to a colorful cast of characters prepared to provide some serious entertainment. From action to romance, you can find it all here.

Every week, lucky listeners may tune into the ritual rendition of no one’s favorite song: “Roar” by Katy Perry. One of the most annoying and overplayed songs of all time, this beat will keep you on your feet and screaming at those sorority girls who insist on singing this song on repeat. Don’t worry; it gets better. After consuming some of Grotto’s tempting beverages, these sorority girls provide their own twist of the song, attempting to consistently miss the correct pitch. Surprisingly, they succeed every time, a true testament to their talent.

Speaking of talent, Grotto hosts some of the university’s finest athletes. Frequently, they desperately try to throw various questionable objects around the parking lot for others to find. From retainers to condoms, there are plenty of souvenirs scattered across the Grotto lot that these gracious athletes toss around, while providing a play-by-play of the action. For fortunate residents who live right by Grotto, such as myself, you may stumble upon such curious findings on the way to class.

Why not join in on the entertainment Grotto has to offer and come on weekends, when the real excitement begins. From “she’s gonna hurl” to “why is it that color,” Grotto provides listeners with a fascinating look into human nature and the excruciating details of what comes out of these humans. If you ever miss out on this thrilling opportunity, don’t worry as you will often find this highly-discussed vomit on the back steps of Dunkin’ Donuts.

Grotto also offers listeners some serious drama that’s almost impossible to ignore. From serious injuries to death, Grotto is not afraid to amp up the drama. “She’s dying out here” and “Should that be sticking out of his arm like that” are common phrases outside of Grotto. There’s so much tension and drama in the air, it’s like watching “Game of Thrones” but with people you see in everyday life, like that girl from English class who was apparently dying Wednesday night.

“Listening to Grottos at peak party hours is probably a little like living in eastern Europe in the 40s and listening to a soviet artillery bombardment in the distance,” Mitchell Patterson, another North Green Resident, says. “You hear this noise that portends doom, destruction and the horror of the human condition.”

No matter how terrible your life is, it won’t seem so god awful after listening to the events that transpire behind Grotto. Why worry about life and the struggles it has to offer when you can listen to the horrible things in other people’s lives. Stop by Grotto every night of the week for free because you definitely won’t get their overpriced garbage pizza for that price.

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