Horoscopes for the week of April 26, 2020
Taurus: You have been ignoring your Zoom invites for weeks. Keep doing that, king. Reject technology.
Gemini: You’re running out of friends that are willing to gossip with you for more than six hours a day. On the bright side, two faces mean more opportunities to stay up until 3 a.m. trying out makeup tutorials. Go wild.
Cancer: All you know is wake up, do homework, eat food, go sleep, and that’s valid. Maybe clean up those snot rags around your trash can though.
Leo: You have been putting off a rewatch of Pixar’s “Cars” trilogy for a long time now. There’s no time like the present, bud.
Virgo: You said you wouldn’t but you’ve finally done it: You downloaded Tik Tok. Your rise to Tik Tok fame amongst Gen Z will be meteoric.
Libra: You will wake up one morning with Larry from Veggie Tales in your bed. You will have no recollection of the previous night.
Scorpio: “Viva la Vida” by Coldplay is the theme of your life right now. Embrace your monarchical ideations and topple that democratic government.
Sagittarius: After saying “You too” to a McDonald’s employee after they tell you to “enjoy” your food, you decide to change your identity and run away to Canada. Through a series of convoluted events, the McDonald’s employee will become your wife.
Capricorn: You have a cat named Zeus. While marching around your house to the beat of “Can’t Stop,” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, you stepped on his tail. On the surface, you checked to see if he was ok and then moved on. But inside, you cried for 48 hours straight.
Aquarius: Your thoughts have been running like a chicken with its head cut off. It’s time to ground yourself and get back on some sort of schedule, even if it isn’t normal. Nothing you do is normal anyways, just be consistent for once.
Pisces: You cannot stop talking about your love of Tame Impala to girls with bangs and septum piercings that you meet on Tinder. Your music taste sucks. Go listen to Revolutionary War fife and drum music if you’re really “indie.”
Aries: While you are lonely during quarantine, have no fear: the groundhog living under your porch loves you and wants to be your friend.