Horoscopes for the week of April 7, 2020: What do the stars have in store for you in week 3 of quarantine?

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What do the stars have in store for you this week?

Aquarius: You recently decided that you were going to “get fit.” Unfortunately, your pet has continued to sabotage all your efforts by refusing to get up from your lap at all hours of the day. Resistance is futile, just submit to the cuddles.

Pisces: Coronavirus is real, and your diet of solely stale Krispy Kreme donuts is not helping. You would go to the grocery store, but that’s way more exercise than you’re used to.

Aries: The liquor stores are still open, so you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Taurus: Stop eating yams. Hang out with your friends.

Gemini: It’s week three of quarantine, and you’re bored out of your mind. You’ve run out of friends to bother with FaceTime calls and have cleaned and recleaned your room 76 times. You already finished all your homework, so why not clean it for the 77th time?

Cancer: You ran out of toilet paper two weeks ago and have used any substitute you can get your hands on. Sadly, it’s not quite the same. Despite venturing to the grocery store at six in the morning every single time, you still haven’t clapped eyes on that precious roll of toilet paper. It’s time to get creative and find a new substitute for toilet paper.

Leo: You recently purchased an espresso maker to give yourself something to do during quarantine. Avoid drinking three shots like you did initially and try to sleep more if you can. It’ll be ok, I promise.

Virgo: Your neighbors have stopped partying every weeknight, and you can finally get some work done. Well, maybe you’ll start doing some work after you catch up on the newest season of “Rupaul’s Drag Race.”

Libra: You hate affection. An excuse to stay six feet away is exactly what you have been waiting for. Only your dog is deserving of your love and cuddles.

Scorpio: You’ve spent the past three weeks trying to find alternative lubricants and most of them have made you break out horrendously. Just go back to the store-bought stuff, champ.

Sagittarius: Coffee has become the love of your life. You can’t think about anything else, but you’re also hella jittery. Oh well, let’s make another cup and embrace your obsession.

Capricorn: You can’t plan your week when you have nothing to do! Let go!

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