Horoscopes for the Week of October 22, 2019: What do the stars have in store for you?
Libra: You haven’t had a sip of water for weeks and primarily live off of coffee. Don’t worry, the shaking should stop soon.
Scorpio: You’re a bad bitch, they can’t kill you. Do whatever you want this week. But call your mom so she still knows your unstable ass is alive.
Sagittarius: You haven’t slept since Sept. 31, but don’t worry this is your time to catch some Z’s. You deserve it.
Capricorn: You might die. But, hey, it was going to happen eventually. Go nuts while you still can.
Aquarius: After biking so much everywhere, your calves are super muscular. You have thunder thighs. Go flaunt those fierce things around campus.
Pisces: The stars hereby grant you carte blanche authority to completely lose your mind this week. Get it started in here. Get into it. Get stupid.
Aries: There’s no heating in your dorm, but now you have an excuse to gain excess fat. Enjoy yourself, and take full advantage of your meal plan. You chose to live in that dorm not because it is easy but because it is hard.
Taurus: Channel your inner Maximillien Robespierre and unleash your reign of terror upon institutions that you think need a makeover. There will be time to tend to your yams once you finish carrying out your glorious revolution. Remember: you are Robespierre. (But you will not get executed).
Gemini: It’s been a long week keeping up with BOTH of your faces! Take some time to relax with a face mask (or two) and watch some reality T.V. (even though you tell everyone that you’re staunchly opposed to it).
Cancer: You didn’t bring enough cold weather clothing, but shorts and a tank top is more than enough for this weather, right?
Leo: Help your Taurus friend/workplace acquaintance raise hell. You may be consumed in the reign of terror, but you believe their cause is just. Viva la revolution!
Virgo: You know which direction your life is going. Why bother even reading this? Carry onwards, along the path of wisdom.