Horoscopes: March 10, 2020
Pisces: Your side hoe is getting suspicious … give them a new sweatshirt to assuage their fears for approximately 31 hours and 12 minutes.
Aries: You’ve spent the past week making fun of Bob Ross, but everyone knows it’s just because you’re jealous of his ‘fro. Either grow your own or leave the man alone.
Taurus: Today, you hurt yourself opening a tin of beans. For a moment, you thought you could be a second Weird Al and make a parody of “Hurt” by Johnny Cash about opening a can of beans. However, you realized instantly how idiotic this is, because you can’t sing.
Gemini: The same dude has ghosted you five times in a row … stop being such a simp and block him already!!! Also, quit your job. It’s about time you lost those ungrateful hoes.
Cancer: Cry in your 8:00 a.m. lecture tomorrow. Bring a plant to work. Say it’s your kid. Go off.
Leo: You think you have the coronavirus and you’re probably right. Go to Student Health Services so you can get a free Gatorade before you get quarantined.
Virgo: The fields are calling your name. Do not go there. You will end up sobbing so hard you choke on your own snot. Again.
Libra: This week, an important secret will come out to your significant other: You don’t actually know anything about basketball and you’ve never listened to a Led Zeppelin song in your life.
Scorpio: Let go of what could have been and look forward to what soon could be. That bong was bound to get stolen at some point, time to move on to bigger and better things.
Sagittarius: August is months away, but it’s still not too late to plan your next adventure! Book a trip to the desert. That will be a good idea in the heat.
Capricorn: No horoscope for you this week. We have nothing to tell you.
Aquarius: Maybe your significant others aren’t too “normie” for you. Maybe you’re too weird for them.