Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 5, 2019
Scorpio: Almost your birthday! Buy yourself $200 tickets to see Elton John. You know you want it.
Sagittarius: Stop listening to Beyonce at maximum volume. You’re waking up your neighbors.
Capricorn: You have an annoying habit of sleeping on couches that aren’t yours. Maybe it’s time to go to your local furniture store, buy a bed and sleep in it instead of mooching off your friends.
Aquarius: Adventure is out there… at your local Home Depot. Sometimes, what you want isn’t too far off.
Pisces: Might be in your best interest to invest in some black gloves. A robbery is in your future.
Aries: You’re a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. But also you do. And he’ll be here sometime in November. Keep your eyes peeled.
Taurus: Lately, it seems like all of your energy, intellect and creativity have been sucked out by forces that are going out of their way to annoy you. Don’t let them get the best of you. Pour yourself hot tea, draw a bath and spend time reading philosophy books. Distance yourself from the negativity. You’re a good yam.
Gemini: Not everything that happens has to be seen. Keep everything on the low. A lack of humility is an invitation for chaos.
Cancer: Bet all of your money on Korean horse racing this weekend. It won’t pay off, you’ll go broke, but at least you can discover your true self in the process.
Leo: Allow yourself to look in the mirror more than your usual fifty times a day. Say to yourself, “I am worthy of Balenciaga crocs.” Then, drain your account buying $600 rubber shoes. You’re worth it, baby.
Virgo: At the end of this week, a call will be awaiting you. Take it, and listen carefully. This will determine the course of your life.
Libra: Someone or something from your past will come knocking on your door. What you decide to do about this person will have a significant impact on your love life. Choose wisely.