Horoscopes: Week of Oct. 15. What do the stars have in store for you?
Libra: You’re shining this week, Libra! Don’t forget to buy new makeup for your birthday party while it’s still on sale for Halloween.
Scorpio: Alcohol is not a good idea this weekend. Are you going to listen to this horoscope? NO! You’re going to have an absolute bender of a weekend, which isn’t always a bad thing.
Sagittarius: Perkins is closed, so now your life is incomplete without Dunkin. Life has no meaning. What is life? At least, life will get better starting Thursday when the Scrounge reopens.
Capricorn: Three party invites and you’ve ignored every single one so you can work? Sounds like a normal Capricorn week. Keep scheming up ways to get more money — your bank account will thank you for that.
Aquarius: What if you adopted a raccoon… haha… unless?
Pisces: A biker ran over your fingers, so you had to rush over to Student Health where they made you wait 20 minutes since it’s flu season. So, now you have a huge cast over your hand and can no longer type or pick up your favorite mug. To make matters worse, you tried to pick up your favorite mug and spilled hot coffee on your cast. Well, at least things can’t get worse. Can they?
Aries: You are beautiful! Also, since it is close to Halloween, go to Walgreens and buy 10 bags of Halloween candy. Its being sold in bulk right now so it is the best time to get it. And while you’re there, pick up some condoms, because chlamydia is a bitch.
Taurus: Soon, it will be your time to shine. The years you have spent, locked up in your room, practicing your craft will culminate in a performance that is sure to put you on the map to stardom. Beware of groupies: they can leave you easily frazzled. Also, beware of the press: stardom is much harder than it looks. One mistake and the press will rip you to shreds.
Gemini: Now that it’s cool outside, you can finally whip out those old sweaters at the back of your closet. Unfortunately, none of those clothes fit because you eat at the dining hall. Now it’s time to choose between food or fashion.
Cancer: Your friends are all telling you to go to a haunted house this month, but your weak ass heart is telling you “No.” In the event that you go, you’ll likely piss yourself and embarrass yourself for life. Life’s short, who even cares.
Leo: A puppy will lick your face on the way to your psych course. Congratulations, this is the best week of your semester.
Virgo: Your family is coming over this weekend, which is exciting. Don’t wear anything too nice because your two-year-old niece will probably vomit all over it. Good luck.