Horoscopes: What do the stars have in store for you?

PUB.DOM.DED. Pixa Acer Pics Oct. 17. 25{30) -10-17 Zodiac in Diamonds   LOW  RES Courtesy of Creative Commons/THE REVIEW

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Capricorn: You are a brick wall, a steel trap and an impenetrable fortress. People come to ask you for advice, which makes you happy because you understand that you know best. You will continue rising to the top of everything. May the world cower to your dominance.

Aquarius: Your roommate won’t stop listening to “Crazy Frog” and “Africa,” what the hell is wrong with them? Just live in coffee shops and Trabant until this whole thing blows over. Or, you could buy a speaker and blast Beyoncé to drive them out of the place. Up to you.

Pisces: The good news? There’s only two weeks left of the semester. The bad news? You only have $12 left in your account and your friends are going to Roots for dinner. Sure, it might be really good food, but also, you only have $12 left in your account. Save that shit for a hot dog at 7-Eleven or something.

Aries: You are single-handedly keeping every coffee shop in Newark in business. Caffeine is coursing through your veins and your productivity is characteristically stunning — even for you. You’re more likely to catch on fire than slow down. Keep killin’ it fam.

Taurus: This has been a rough week for you — you finally let go of the reins on a big project in your life and are watching as it spirals out of control. Take some time to indulge yourself during this week; buy yourself a new pair of Birkenstocks, a coffee from Brew HaHa! and invest in a wasp removal service.

Gemini: Congratulations on surviving the struggle that is life so far. Life will only get worse from here on out. That’s okay! Focus on the little things in life. For example, catch up on “Game of Thrones” so you are not always pretending like you totally understand what other people are talking about. Speaking of which, make sure to watch Endgame because spoilers!

Cancer: A rough week ahead for you — crying in public seven times more than usual! It’s time to put away the tissues and start focusing on real life. Cut off all of your friends that make you cry (read: all of them), stop waiting around for your last hookup to pay attention to you, drop out of school, steal your dog from your parents and move to the wilderness. Nobody can hurt you when you’re alone.

Leo: You keep convincing yourself that you have so much to do that life has to end, when in reality, all you have to do is read one chapter of a book and stare at Reddit. Two cups of coffee is too much, you need to put a pin in it or else you’ll never be able to sleep. Go outside for five minutes and smell the roses, dammit. Love you, you’re the best.

Virgo: You will be embarking upon a long journey. You are extremely excited. Make sure you say hi to every dog you pass this week. Also, don’t even study for finals. You’ll probably fail them either way.

Libra: You are a mature adult and can take care of your health and well-being. Keep up those healthy habits: binge-drinking, partying until you pass out and last through the day by drinking five cups of coffee! You are the picture of health!

Scorpio: Ain’t life swell? You finally have five bucks to your name, barely passing classes, and surviving on a solid two hours of sleep. It’s time to go on a bender! Pursue pure pleasure, go out every night, rob Grotto Pizza and streak down Main Street. Live fast, die young, bad bitches do it well.

Sagittarius: You’ve described yourself as “spunky” in normal conversation three times the past week. Summer is rolling around and you don’t have anything lined up for work, but who cares. It’ll all work out in the end. Nothing can hold you back; you’re a strong and independent lioness.

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