I (hypothetically) started my day with shots and here’s what would have (allegedly) happened

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
JENNIFER WEST/THE REVIEW
The shots (pictured here) I would have lined up on my counter at sunrise.

BY
Senior Reporter

Waking up for morning classes truly is the worst part of the week, but, somehow, I thought up a way to make mornings worse.

If I were to act on the worst celebration of Halloweek I could think of, I would have lined up three vodka shots (Svedka Citron, a disgusting classic) on my counter at 7:30 a.m. and downed them with a well-known but underrated chaser: Honeycomb cereal. Although I would start the day feeling nauseous and miserable, I would not be able to put off taking the shots. For this would be the only day when inebriation wouldn’t interfere with my work schedule.

No one tells you how miserable shots are when taken alone at sunrise. And no one told me that I hypothetically should’ve eaten breakfast FIRST.

I’d think through possible benefits of morning shots, theorizing that low-grade vodka would make me warmer now that fall has set. This much would probably be true.

If I had, in fact, taken the shots, I would begin to feel the effects of my clear mistake by 8:30 a.m. My typing would be slow and inconvenient, but my fingers would quickly warm, and, for the first time, there would be proof of circulation in my tall, lanky body.

If I went to classes, which I certainly would not as it would be a violation of the Code of Conduct, paranoia would set in instantly, and I would overcompensate by trying to actively participate in my morning lecture. I’d volunteer to answer only the easiest questions, with more participation in one class than the rest of the semester combined.

Whether or not that participation would be insightful would not be known to me, but if I asked another student, the answer would likely be no. But who’s to say, as I would NEVER attend class after taking shots.

Theoretically, the campus buildings like Gore Hall (specifically the first floor), which still crank cold air in late October, would not bother me, and I would actually be able to focus on my professor’s lecture rather than my shivering body.

By 9:30 a.m., I would be pretty much sober. My day would continue as usual with an added bonus of nausea.

It wouldn’t be until lunchtime that I would realize how great of a mistake I’d made. My appetite would allegedly retreat along with my concentration and any buzz I’d hypothetically retained. After stomaching a veggie burger (no bun, no toppings) and an apple, the hangover would begin to set, and I would spend the rest of the day fighting the urge to nap.

There would likely be no benefits, other than finally being warm on this freezing campus.

Drinking in the morning probably isn’t a fun and exciting way to make your day more interesting, but it is a way to make your day warmer. And if I were to start my day with Svedka Citron, I would likely avoid Svedka Citron in the future.

Drink responsibly, folks.

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    Rob 2 years

    stupid article

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