Man Solves Gas Prices By Asking “Why Doesn’t the Government Always Make Them This Low?”

Heroin in Wilmington 2
Jack Beatson/THE REVIEW
Gas prices throughout the country have plummeted since local resident Timothy Fein asked, “Why doesn’t the government always make them this low?”

BY
STAFF MUCKRAKER

Government officials everywhere are reassessing their approach to setting gas prices after local Newark resident, Timothy Fein, asked the question, “Why doesn’t the government always make them this low?”

Vice President Joe Biden commented, “Fein’s stance is really eye-opening especially because we were going to raise gas prices at some point. We never thought about not raising them again, now we can keep gas prices low for… well maybe forever”

In an interview, Fein recalled how he came to this idea, “I was filling up my car at a gas station when I noticed the price of gas was pretty low. Then I thought sometimes the price is pretty high. Then I thought I like it better when it’s low. Then I thought the price of gas should always be this low. Then finally I thought why doesn’t the government always make gas prices this low?”

Fein continued, “I came into work the next day and said, ‘why doesn’t the government always make gas prices this low?’ and most of my coworkers agreed with me; my coworker Jim even said ‘Yeah I guess it would be nice if they kept them down.’ That’s when it really dawned on me that it was genius.”

Think tanks, the Brookings Institute, Cato Institute, and RAND Corporation, are collecting data and have yet to see a flaw in Fein’s plan so far. Stan Hill, UN economic advisor, said “This could change everything. People around here are really excited about this revolutionary idea. We’re tossing around the idea of creating a new branch in the UN using Fein’s idea as the base.”

“You’re right, why don’t we always keep gas prices so low?” said Abdallah Salem el-Badri, the secretary general of OPEC. “Normally, the oil producing nations collude to retain a high market price, but gas would just be so much cheaper this way.”

Fein has started working on other problems already. At the end of our interview, he asked, “In traffic jams, why doesn’t every car just accelerate at the same time? This way everyone would move at the same time so there would be no jam.” Currently the Army Corps of Engineers is working to apply this method of traffic alleviation to Los Angeles Traffic.

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