Mosaic milks it: a definitive rating of popular dairy and non-dairy drinks
Managing Mosaic Editor
Music and Society Editor
On the evening of May 8, members of the Mosaic staff gathered in the West Annex of Perkins for an exclusive tasting of some of the most popular dairy and non-dairy milks in the market. Armed with shot glasses — which were used solely for non-alcoholic beverages — water (as a palette cleanser), their discerning palettes and “MILK” by BROCKHAMPTON as mood music, three editors and one senior reporter set out to find the tastiest beverage of them all. Here are their official ratings:
Whole Milk: Pure white, thick and creamy upon first taste, Mosaic’s milk tasters had no problem knocking back shots of this. There were notes of cow, and surprisingly, it tasted like … milk. There was a lingering creamy, yet pleasant aftertaste. A classic, comforting beverage, perfectly paired with night time insomnia, melatonin and a few Nestle Toll House chocolate chip cookies. Mosaic’s rating: 10/10, would drink again.
Strawberry Milk: Pleasingly pink, more campy than the entire Met Gala 2019, and emanating with the scent of childhood nostalgia, we had high expectations for this sweet beverage. Upon initial taste, we found the milk vaguely reminiscent of bubblegum, strawberry wafers and artificial syrup — in essence, everything but an actual strawberry. The name “strawberry milk” turned out to be a misnomer; there was not a single strawberry listed in the ingredients list. Mosaic’s rating: 4/10, for lying to us.
Oat Milk: Going into this shot, we had high expectations. We had seen advertisements plastered outside of Brew HaHa! and were excited to experience this new bourgeoise beverage. The minute the milk touched our tongues, we were met with disappointment. It was thicker than an a bowl of oatmeal and as per the name, tasted like the most watered down, bland, microwavable packet of oats. Mosaic’s rating: 3/10, highly overrated, much like matcha lattes and your best friend’s new boyfriend who is in a band and skates.
Chocolate Milk: This was the God tier of milk; after taking a shot of this liquid gold, we had seen the face of God and saw that He hath smiled upon us. Rich, yet sweet, it combined the best aspects of chocolate and whole milk. A winning combination, this was easily the food of the gods. Mosaic has collectively decided that when we die, we would like to be buried with a bathtub of chocolate milk. Mosaic’s rating: infinity/10, this raised our GPAs and cured our anxieties.
Pea milk: For the sake of the health and taste-buds of our readers (if they’re still even reading at this point in the article), we DO NOT RECOMMEND EVER TRYING PEA MILK. As Evan Tridone, our senior reporter, so aptly stated, it tastes like “straight ass.” Chalky, earthy, and vaguely reminiscent of a Lipton tea bag left in water for too long, this tastes like the grim reaper travelled to the ninth circle of hell and brought this atrocious beverage back with him. Mosaic’s rating: -3/10, because we are wondering how this was approved by the FDA for human consumption.
Rice Milk: After our pea milk tasting, we were apprehensive to try this non-dairy drink. While the texture was watery and lacked the thickness of oatmilk, this milk truly won out in terms of taste: almost reminiscent of milk, yet vaguely sweet. Mosaic’s rating: 7/10, a solid equivalent to whole milk.
Almond Milk: The texture and taste were completely, utterly and disappointingly bland. Mosaic’s rating: 2/10, this is overrated.
Vanilla Soy Milk: Immediately after trying this, we dubbed it the “best non-milk milk.” Thick, creamy and sweet, it was filling and satisfied a need for dessert. This would go perfectly with any cereal, granola, hot chocolate or, as we drank it, in shot glasses on a Wednesday night. Mosaic’s rating: 9/10, PEA MILK: TAKE NOTES!
Skim Milk: This disgrace to the name of milk wasn’t even worth our time to taste. Mosaic’s rating: 0/10, for being water-flavored milk.