Mosaic Satire: Avoiding Clowns
The red-nosed, rainbow-haired terrors that have been lurking in various towns out of state allegedly made their way to Delaware last week. Although the Newark Police Department told The Review that they have not received a single reputable report of a clown as of last week, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Let your old pals on the Mosaic staff help you stay clear of clowns:
1. Dress like a clown. Blend in. Herd immunity. That’s what herd immunity is, right … ?
2. Wear garlic and a crucifix, and carry silver. It might not protect you from clowns, but it’ll work on vampires and werewolves.
3. Get a horse and ride it to class; everyone knows horses are the natural enemies of clowns.
4. Travel in packs of 10 to 20 people. It’ll bring back memories of walking around with every single person from your freshman floor.
5. Never leave your room. Hide under the bed eating Cheez Its and watching Netflix.
6. Challenge the clown to a duel.
7. Run everywhere. How’s a clown going to chase you in giant shoes?
8. Search the Internet for protective objects – crystals, amulets, socks, whatever! If it wards off evil, it’ll ward off clowns.
9. Stop showering. Then no one, not even a clown, will want to come near you.
10. Vote in November.