Mosaic Satire: The art of making friends

Lorraine Cook/THE REVIEW
Lorraine Cook/THE REVIEW
We know how to make friends. Rule #1: be totally anti-social.


First-time freshmen often become overwhelmed with loneliness now that they’re separated from their old high school friends. To help out those who have a little trouble in the friend-making department, here’s a couple of options and ideas on how to become friend savvy and a popular college kid.

During syllabus week, many professors have the students work in pairs. This is a good way to make friends, especially if you pack up all of your books and run out of the room as fast as you can, before your partner has the chance to ask what your number is. This way, you’ll never know if you forgot a homework assignment.

Another great idea is to keep your door locked every time you’re in your room. This way, nobody will bother you, and you’ll never have to worry about not being left out, because you’ll know you’re being left out.

While you’re at it, you can also post on your Facebook page that you’re ready and willing to hang out with anybody at anytime, because you have nothing else to do. Inviting people to your locked dorm room is a great way to make sure that everybody’s annoyed with you and will never want to hang out with you anyway.

This will help get the word around your dorm that you don’t ever leave, and always expect people to come to you, rather than trying to meet them halfway. Now at least everybody on your floor will do the best that they can to leave you alone, they’ll even avoid eye contact with you in the halls as you pass.

A really great way of making friends is to go to Activities Night and join a group that interests you. Join the Facebook group, and post in there constantly every time you’re going to the dining hall to eat a meal. This will fester the greatest amount of annoyance possible directed your way, which will come in handy when you need to look cool in front of your crush that has so many friends.

Along with groups, you can also find sororities and fraternities represented at Activities Night. Paying $2,000 a semester just to take pictures with people you don’t know who are only nice to you because they also want to feel like they’re getting their money’s worth is another amazing way to get friends. This also creates long lasting bonds, and gives you the chance to meet new students who also buy their way into happiness.

If you find that none of these options are helping you, you can do this classic trick: when you pass by somebody you know, just go on your phone so you never have to speak to them in public. You won’t have to acknowledge them, and you can pretend like you never saw them passing by Caesar Rodney around lunchtime.

Whichever trick you find best suits you, you’ll likely gain the most friends out of all the people you know, so you can walk around bragging about how cool you are. A really good trick is to remember to talk about all the parties you go to and all the friends you have during class. The most important thing is that you’re having fun and having the best freshman experience possible.

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