Mosaic’s Weekly Horoscopes
Libra: Now is a good time to throw a party. Not because you actually care about any of the people you’ll invite, but because you want to show off your bougie new house and your expensive liquor. Who cares that you’ve overdrafted your account by $230 putting this thing together? They can’t see that.
Scorpio: It’s in your best interest to help your Cancer friend plot revenge on the boys that are trying to murder her cat.
Sagittarius: It’s time to have fun! Treat yo’ self, buy some expensive shoes or something. Go take a swim in the nearest body of water. Buy a 20 ton vat of the peanut butter that they put in the middle of Reese’s. Live life on the edge!
Capricorn: Virgo season is officially over, so good luck keeping up with all those midterm assignments you said you would do later tonight.
Aquarius: The chill in the air is causing you to feel a strange pull towards purchasing a fedora. Embrace it, they don’t call it fedora guy fall for nothing.
Pisces: Fall is here, at last! You no longer need to blast your fan, which sounds like a thousand fighter jets landing. Your room is finally quiet, so now you have no excuse to slack on coursework.
Aries: Your recent attempts at bettering your life may have unintended consequences on those in your life. Not only has an actual grand piano fallen on both of your parents at once, literally all of your friends sprained their ankles in the exact same place and they know it was your switching to eco-friendly hydro flasks that caused it. Way to go, dude.
Taurus: Something strange is afoot. You feel as though your career goals are about to take a turn in a more creative, freeing direction. Digging up an old whistling YouTube video from your past has caused you to realize that whistling is one of the things that has brought you joy during these past two years. Since Mercury is out of Gatorade, feel free to make a rash decision: drop out of school and pursue your career as a whistling star.
Gemini: You are always jittery from the constant consumption of caffeine, but at least, you’re no longer falling asleep during orgo. So, try not to fail!
Cancer: After the boys on your street threaten to kidnap your good-for-nothing cat (but she is adorable), you wipe away your tears and kick your ass into gear on a massive revenge plot. They mess with your cat, they mess with you.
Leo: You’ve listened to too much Lizzo and now you have too much power. Yesterday you adopted a mountain goat; today you crowned yourself King of the Perkins West Annex . What’s next? The world is your oyster.
Virgo: Life sucks for you. It’s best that you accept your fate and hide out in the trenches of South Green.