The Re-Review: Freshman’s Dad Rubs Mom’s Shoulders While Roommate Watches Uncomfortably

Dorm Hallway
Joe Schwab/THE REVIEW
It was here that Kevin Lewis rubbed Sandra Lewis’ shoulders while roommate Jason Whitaker stood in total silence.

BY
SATIRE CZAR

REDDING HALL, 3C — On Friday, Freshman Richard Lewis got changed for his a capella concert in his dorm room while his parents and roommate waited outside. It was here that Lewis’ father, Kevin, noticed that Lewis’ mother, Sandra, still had that knot in her shoulder, and started to massage it while Lewis’ roommate watched in extreme discomfort.

“Oh wow, it’s really in there,” Kevin said while kneading his thumb through Sandra’s khaki blazer while roommate Jason Whitaker started at the ground. “Did you try icing it?” he added in a semi-whisper, in order to keep an appropriate and comfortable air between them and their son’s roommate.

“My dad always does uncomfortable stuff on accident,” Lewis said. “Like that time when he tried to re-tuck my shirt at my Bar Mitzvah, and I had to say to him, ‘No, dad, I’m 13 years old; please don’t try to undo my pants in front of all my friends.’ It’s just part of life at this point.”

The incident got worse when Kevin decided to try using his elbow. “Did you see that physical therapist at work? You’re really tense,” Kevin said, while Whitaker squeezed the laptop he was holding and stared wide-eyed at the floor.

The incident lasted for about 90 seconds, after which Whitaker was able to hide in his room for the rest of the night.

“I guess it could have been worse,” Whitaker said. “Like at least his parents asked me how school was going in a half-hearted attempt to make conversation before his dad started giving his mom a backrub in front of me. And it’s also a good thing that he kind of whispered into her ear to be polite, despite the fact that I was right there. If he didn’t ask about her clavicles in a hushed voice like it was naughty secret, the situation would have been super awkward.”

This incident comes after last Saturday, when Lewis tried to get classmate Sarah Gossett to sit on the bed him, who then declined the offer to continue to sit cross-legged on the floor, while Whitaker sat at his desk in total silence.

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