Requirements for our new president

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BY
COLUMNS MANAGING EDITOR

Do you have what it takes to be the university’s new president? If you just said yes, stop lying! You have no idea what the requirements are, so why would you even answer that question? Luckily, this happens to be a complete and comprehensive list of qualities we need in our next president, so let’s see if you’re right for the job!

First on the list, you:

Must be a cool human being.

In the past, our presidents have been “extremely qualified,” which translates roughly into “mad boring.” This time around, we’re more interested in what actually matters: whether or not you’re a super-chill individual.

We want someone personable, someone we could potentially bro-out with on weekends. You don’t even need experience to apply for this position! In fact, we’d prefer it if you didn’t have any. Just be cool, and the rest will work itself out.

Additionally, our new president:

Must willingly bend to the whims of students.

Here’s something you probably already know: People love to complain. And boy, will you inherit a school full of whiners! Granted, sometimes those complaints are valid—but usually, they’re not. Prepare to hear things along the lines of:

“Oh, no, it weathered outside while I slept! These are not the preferred conditions for traveling to and from my first-class education. I am displeased, and will now air my grievances quite loudly and without solicitation. I also expect you to care! THIS IS MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN.”

To discourage this incessant griping, simply take away the need to complain. Make our lives perfect!

Snow? No class. Sunshine? No class. Class? No class.

Someone may have told you that the point of this job is to “govern the school,” but no: The real reason you exist is to please us. And to do so, you must fulfill our every demand, no matter how illogical or inane.

And speaking of demands, you:

Must bring back tailgating.

Many moons ago, a decision was made to effectively ban tailgating. Everyone hates the ban, and it’s your job to reverse it.

For starters, you owe us. Sports games are thinly veiled excuses to converge in parking lots and get lit, and we’ve been robbed of that opportunity. (It’s also scientifically proven that sports are unenjoyable unless partying is involved.)

Secondly, tailgating would be great for morale! Nothing says “school spirit” like a congregation of people drunkenly bonding over their love for Blue Hens. You also can’t deny that the lure of tailgating would drum up attendance for games. Don’t our teams deserve to be seen?

The answer is yes—probably.

On the topic of being seen, you also:

Must be willing to stroll on the green.

We all know Harker exists, but. . .do we? He was rarely, if ever, spotted casually about campus. Our new president should be one of us, which means visibly enjoying this beautiful campus just as much as we do.

Yeah, you might have presidential duties to fulfill, but you can still spare 15 minutes to pop down from your ivory tower every now and again.

Actually, come to think of it, you:

Must give free tours of the president’s house.

This is probably the most important requirement: Show us your dope new space. Serving as a personal tour guide, you are obligated to take all students through every (and we mean EVERY) room of your fancy gilded mansion. A house that nice deserves to be shared!

On second thought, why stop at just a tour? As our new leader and role model, you should really focus on giving back to the community—and by “giving back,” we mean your house. Seriously, give us your house. It’s ours now.

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