Satire: Assanis fails to realize that Delaware First festival ended three weeks ago

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Minji Kong/THE REVIEW
Assanis won’t let go of “Delaware First.”

BY
PRESIDENTIAL MANSION CORRESPONDENT

Nearly three weeks after the launch of the Delaware First fundraising campaign, aides report that President Dennis Assanis has failed to realize that the event ended. He has been spotted wearing a Blue Hen foam finger on several occasions, firing aides who told him that the festival is over.

Aides report that his behavior since the event has been extremely unusual. At a recent meeting with the Board of Trustees, Assanis responded to every question with the phrase “Delaware is number one,” prompting frustrated attendees to end the meeting prematurely.

When an aide informed him that, according to the U.S. News and World Report college ranking, the university is actually 81st, Assanis reportedly poked the individual in the eye with his foam finger.

Assanis has also been seen standing in the middle of the football field throughout the day, salivating on his foam finger in reverie about the recently announced multi-million dollar stadium renovations.

Aides report that Assanis has been spending his mornings at the football field, migrating to the STAR Tower in the afternoons and doing the same thing. His only recent office work has consisted of calculating personal salary increases that will result from the fundraising campaign.

In an effort to extend the festival, aides say that Assanis has decorated the presidential mansion in blue and yellow ribbon, hanging Blue Hen piñatas around the mansion and playing with confetti all day.

Assanis did not respond for comment, but his default email response included the phrase “Delaware is number one!”

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