Satire: Assanis pouts after ranking drop

Dennis Assanis
Courtesy of Stony Brook University
Assanis whines about the university’s rank dropping.

BY
Presidential Mansion Correspondent

President Dennis Assanis has been pouting all weekend. Presidential mansion aides report he has been shutting himself in his room for several consecutive days.

The pouting fit follows the university’s recent drop in the U.S. News and World Report college rankings, with the university moving from 79th to 81st place. Assanis reportedly did not take the drop well, spilling his cereal everywhere when aides broke the news.

Although he has not left his bedroom all weekend, Assanis has been active, with aides reporting thumping noises against the bedroom wall. Assanis has several posters of Joe Biden in his bedroom, and aides fear that he is punching them.

Assanis has also been heard muttering things like “you were supposed to fix this,” likely in reference to Joe Biden and his recent arrival to campus. A student also reported that Assanis was on his Biden Institute viewing balcony on Saturday night, trembling in anger and staring at the Institute.

According to U.S. News and World Report, Assanis has spent the entire weekend submitting furious complaints, degrading the organization and its “bad rankings.” He has also been active in the comment sections of U.S. News and World Report articles, and the organization is taking measures to ban Assanis from its website.

Aides fear that the ranking decrease and the president’s reaction will catalyze his STAR Campus imperial conquest efforts, feeling a need to take matters into his own hands. Reports also allege that Assanis will be terminating all non-STEM departments, who he feels are responsible for the university’s failure.

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