Satire: Assanis reveals plans for imperial conquest
PRESIDENTIAL MANSION CORRESPONDENT
According to President Dennis Assanis, all great imperial conquests begin with a star.
“In Star Wars, Darth Vader’s empire had a Death Star,” Assanis said. “Christianity had the star above Bethlehem.”
Hands folded and with a calm voice, Assanis elaborated on his own plans. Through STAR Campus expansion efforts, Assanis hopes to follow the precedents set by his predecessors and conquer the galaxy. With a tone of humility, however, he assured that his current efforts only involve the state of Delaware.
Assanis said that the first step is the 10-story STAR Tower, which he intends to serve as a command center for the empire. He will have personal office space on the entire tenth floor, providing him with 360-degree surveillance of Newark and the university.
As Assanis revealed in his inaugural address, he intends to construct a “graduate city” on STAR campus, which will include barracks for his imperial legion of graduate students. He also hopes to mobilize the new freshman class, distrustful of of upper division allegiances to Nancy Targett and Patrick Harker.
In line with the STAR Campus development and expansion over the last several years, the first imperial efforts will swallow everything south of Newark, with hopes to take Wilmington in the next several years.
An engineer himself, Assanis is currently working on a chicken-wing prosthetic that will allow Delaware’s finest chickens to fly as part of his “Blue Hen Aerial Offensive” strategy.
Aides reported that Assanis will soon deliver and email to the university, asking that the community address him as “Emperor Assanis.” He intends to dissolve the Faculty Senate and Student Government Association in the upcoming months.