(Satire) Best Valentine’s Day dates in Newark

Party Culture
Treat your lover to a pitcher of lukewarm beer this V-day!

Assistant Mosaic Editor

It’s that time of year again when love is in the air and breakups are just around the corner. For many, Valentine’s Day is the epitome of the loving relationship, an opportunity to showcase their undying enamoration and devotion to a partner they’ve lusted over since last week’s Tri Delta Date Night.

For others, it is a set of hoops to jump through, a test they didn’t study for, a vindictive partner mocking subpar efforts to properly partake in the glutinous consumer holiday.

Luckily for university students, Newark is flooded with romantic opportunities to impress your lover, all while keeping you close to home so you don’t have to put in any actual effort, just the way college students like it.

Looking for something flirty, homey and fun? Look no further than Caesar Rodney Dining Hall. The state-of-the-art food court will certainly arouse your partner, whose intimate familiarity with the cafeteria has been formed over not one, not two, but three years of eating there. Grab yourselves a plate of oil-sodden noodles and bone-dry “vegetables” to enjoy in those ever-so seductive high-top metal chairs that double as a convenient excuse to avoid playing “footsie.”

As Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools” stutters in the background, take in the aromatic scents of stale burnt chicken and overcooked fish. And of course, what’s dinner without a show? Tonight’s live entertainment includes the “Wrap and Roll” station workers screaming at the “Vegan” workers about a missing mixing bowl, all while the workers from “Home” frantically scurry away from behind the toaster with eighteen sticks of butter.

The performance will likely remind you of your own glamorous fights over “whose underwear is this anyway?” and “wait a minute I thought you were with your parents this weekend?” Luckily, you won’t have to come up with forced conversation for too long, as the lights will abruptly shut off at 8:30 p.m., putting your misery to an end.

Aiming for something a little more upbeat? Look no further than the university’s disintegrating frat scene. With themed parties such as “Sexy Little Things” and “Stupid Cupid,” there’s sure to be a decrepit basement that fits your image of a perfect night. When you show up to your partner’s door smelling of cheap tequila, they’ll remember just why they thought you were the one: because they were really drunk when they met you. After the silent dorm room pre-game, stumble over to the party in her too-high heels and your sweaty jersey, clutching each other desperately for warmth in the cold, February night, the picture of young, drunk love.

Don’t forget to help your partner get some lukewarm beer from the living room before you dip out to the back porch to Juul with your buddies for what you think is five minutes (surprise, it was two hours! Time sure does fly when you’re in love.)

Relationship expert Eric Shun advises partygoers to keep a careful eye on their date, lest they are sucked into the sweaty grinding machine that is sure to amass during the twelfth rendition of “Mr. Brightside.”

“Although you might think your partner would be turned on by seeing you make out with another person, they’ll actually just cry,” says Shun.

If the glitz and glam and vomit of frat parties don’t suit your fancy, no worries! There’s still plenty of cheap cop-outs to be found. Perhaps you and your date wish to go on a romantic picnic in the fields of South Campus. As you gaze at the bovines, let the perfume of cow manure wash over your styrofoam takeout containers from stuffed with day-old cookies from Russell. Perhaps you can occasionally glance up from your phone (which definitely does not still have the Tinder app downloaded on it) to look at the stars.

Maybe you find stargazing to be overdone and cliche, so instead, take to construction site gazing. Pick a spot on Main Street, stretch out a blanket and make bets as to whether the project will be done or not by 2033.

No matter what date night experience you choose this Valentine’s Day, remember this: the only real V-day winners are the ones who make it to the Walgreens sale section on February 15th before all the good leftover candy is gone.

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