Satire: “Broke” student asks parents for money, spends it at bars

Money
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Need drinking money? Ask your parents.

BY
ASSISTANT MOSAIC EDITOR


With Thanksgiving break fast approaching, students’ bank accounts are starting to dwindle. With tri-weekly bar tabs starting to add up, many are attempting to live more frugally.

Dan, a manager at Modern Liquors says there’s been a noticeable change in sales.

“We’ve been selling a lot of Burnett’s vodka recently,” he says. “Haven’t seen many people coming in to buy Svedka or Absolut.”

Instead of living on a budget, one student was able to overcome this all-too-common midterm plight. Junior Vanessa says she’s been desperate for cash since Halloween last week.

“Well, I had to buy fishnet stockings, knee-high boots and new lingerie because I was a cat for Halloween. Plus I have my weekly Caffe Gelato brunches with my girls and my daily pumpkin spiced latte,” she says. “Plus I needed new fall clothes for dage season earlier this month. I do have money, but I have to save it up to buy a new Patagonia for the winter.”

Vanessa says she is unable to obtain a job due to her various social commitments, so she used a simple, yet effective strategy that many students believe to be too brash to even consider: she asked her mother and father for cash.

“My parents are pretty chill, so I ask for money and say it’s for groceries or whatever, and usually they’ll give me some,” she says. “I suggest taking a hint from Kendrick and staying humble when you ask.”

Vanessa pulled her iPhone 8 out of her Longchamp bag, which she says she bought last month, and displayed the text she sent.

“Hey guys, I’m sooooo sorry to even ask this, but I’m scared I’m not going to have enough money for food and stuff until the end of the semester. Is there any way you could wire me some money? I’ve been using coupons to shop at Newark Natural Foods, but I guess books were really expensive this semester,” she writes.

Vanessa’s mother, Barbara, says she was more than happy to accommodate.

“I want my daughter to be well fed and have all of the proper nutrients so she can study hard and focus on those grades,” she says. “My ‘nessa just works so much, so of course I’m going to help her.”

‘Nessa celebrated her newfound funds on Thursday evening at Catherine Rooney’s infamous pitcher night, with encore visits to Grotto’s on Friday and Klondike Kate’s on Saturday.

“I’ll probably have to skip my Caffe Gelato brunch and eat with the plebs at Honeygrow or something once I buy my watch, but for now I can buy as many vodka cranberries as I want,” she says.

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