Satire: Family of five gets fined for having a super party

Before Jessica was even able to blow out the candles, Newark Police came bursting through the door.

natalie haytayan satire pieceCourtesy of Creative Commons/THE REVIEW
The family of five, who live at the end of Choate Street, had plans to celebrate the birthday of their youngest child, Jessica.

Staff Writer

The unruly celebration began just as every other 7-year-old’s birthday does. The presents were displayed on the kitchen table, along with “Happy Birthday!” cards from distant relatives. Paw Patrol-themed balloons floated beneath the ceiling, and streamers cascaded throughout the house.

Last week, the Newark City Council unanimously passed a new ordinance aiming to tame the unruly day-drinking habits of university students. The ordinance states that any social gathering with more than four people that meets three criteria from a predetermined list is technically a “super party.” When violated, the tenants are subject to a hefty fine of $500 and 20 hours of community service.

The Sullivan family were the first victims. The family of five, who live at the end of Choate Street, had plans to celebrate the birthday of their youngest child, Jessica.

“We had the whole day planned out,” Jessica’s mother, Joan Sullivan, says, holding back tears. “I wish I knew better, I should have known better.”

The parents of three made an effort to keep the kids quiet in the morning. In hopes of staying out of trouble, they even made the kids listen to their morning cartoons with their AirPods in.

“In the morning, the house was quiet,” Joan says. “If only it had stayed that way.”

Jessica’s father, David Sullivan, feels responsible and guilty for ruining his daughter’s birthday, but he said that he believes he did everything in his power to keep the celebration from getting unruly.

“When we woke up, she asked me to put on the soundtrack of Frozen so she and her two siblings could sing and dance along,” David says. “ I said no. I did it for the community.”

The day’s activities had been planned for months. Up until the ordinance was passed, a magician had been scheduled to come to the party. However, the entertainment was canceled in hopes of keeping the kids safe.

The day was seemingly going well. The children took naps, played silently outside, and even took a walk to the frozen yogurt place down the street.

It wasn’t until after dinner did havoc strike.

“I thought we had made it,” Joan says. “Until I made a stupid mistake that’ll haunt me forever.”

After the spaghetti and meatball dinner, that had been requested by Jessica, it came time for the birthday cake and candles.

The words “Please, Mommy and Daddy, sing happy birthday to me,” will haunt Jessica and David for the rest of their lives. Before Jessica was even able to blow out the candles, Newark Police came bursting through the door.

“It’s all a blur,” Joan says. “Once we began singing ‘Happy Birthday,’ it all goes black in my mind.”

Both of Jessica’s parents will face charges for holding a super party on their property. According to the ordinance, both homeowners must complete the community service and appear in court.

Although completely remorseful, David and Joan have only asked one request of the city council.

“Please, just let us find a babysitter first.”


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  • comment-avatar
    Thomas 2 years

    Your satire is unwelcome. Frankly as a former alumnus, I do believe the current student body should be thankful that people around them are taking a stand against the vulgar irresponsibilities that have for far too long permeated college life and culture. To be blunt, college is not an escape from the real world to drink to ecstasy and engage in immoral behaviour for 4 years while barely scraping by passing grades to get degrees that might not even result in qualified job positions after graduation. Rather, the role of college is to enhance learning beyond grade school years for a better education of the real world and personal self. That “adults” whine and bicker about not having a good time at college is an atrocity; it is not meant to be fun! There is work that must be done and bluntly if anyone is at college to have fun, then I would say to that person to leave at once and return years later with actual working experience and an appreciation for the learning that must be done for self enhancement and promotion in work and social standing. Direct your anger at me if you like but to be honest the reality must set in better for fools to not waste the time of day for others if there is to be no sense of production much less intelligence to be found. It is quite past due that the American culture of secondary education be completely overhauled, its culture purged of indecency and a return to heavily focused learning and work without fun take center and full stage.

    • comment-avatar
      Mike 2 years

      Your comment is ridiculous. Who are you to dictate how people should live their lives. Change your perspective. UDel was thriving and being loud long before you or I were even born. Newark is built through the student population. If you struggle with that fact you can go somewhere that’s more affluent and has a higher priority on education. 

      • comment-avatar
        Thomas 2 years

        Watch your tongue boy! I find your need to justify the unruly behaviours of youth unacceptable! I in fact DID attend said university and know much of its infamous and disgusting nature. My perspective will NOT change for fools who believe the value of college is built in a partying rather than academic nature! For shame on you to defend immorality for the excuse of youth! And the Americans wonder why I give them no room in my court!

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