Satire: Get ready for Kirkbride Satan

BY
Managing Mosaic Editor

kirkbride satan (yeah) (2)Minji Kong/THE REVIEW
Unbeknown to many students, Kirkbride Jesus has a satanic counterpart.


At this point in the history of the university, Kirkbride Hall is pretty much a registered historical landmark.

This unofficial status has nothing to do with the horrifically ugly brutalist architecture, nor does it have anything to do with any historical secrets hidden within it (there are none). Rather, it has to do with what lies outside of it: Kirkbride Jesus, a permanent fixture of the campus. Rain or shine, he stands outside Kirkbride Hall, preaching Bible passages to students.

But what many students do not know is that there is a new Biblical figure in town: Kirkbride Satan. Occupying the other side of Kirkbride Hall, Kirkbride Satan dresses in long, black robes and preaches of pre-marital sex and smoking pot. He also advocates that students drop acid regularly, especially prior to finals season, and steal plates from the dining hall.

When asked for an interview, Kirkbride Satan refused to reveal his name. Instead, he replied that “Kirkbride” was his first name and “Satan” was his last.

According to Satan, he was originally a disciple of Kirkbride Jesus in the late 1960s, while also being a student who attended the university. While at the university, he claims to have majored in philosophy and business.

However, Kirkbride Jesus and Satan had a falling out in 1969, during which Satan was convinced by friends to attend the infamous Woodstock Festival.

“That was the beginning of the end,” Satan said. “I started sinning, and I couldn’t stop.”

After returning from Woodstock, Satan promptly dropped out of college and started a death metal band. According to Satan, he had a mildly successful career in Montana but soon spent all of his money in casinos and mescaline. He also funded a private alligator lodge, in which visitors could live alongside alligators. Countless lawsuits drove him bankrupt.

“I returned back to Hellaware,” Satan said. “I was a self-made man, but they wanted to take all of that away from me.”

Today, Satan perches behind Kirkbride Hall. He believes his message is one that could help students and make them suffer short, miserable lives.

“I just like to have a good time,” Satan said. “I want students to understand that they should be here for a good f–king time, not a long time.”

Kirkbride Jesus declined comment on his fallen disciple.

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    Val 6 days

    A story that truly warms my heart.All hail Kirkbride Satan.

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