SATIRE: I tried every piece of gum on Main Street so you don’t have to

Wall of Gum
Creative Commons
Jennifer West isn’t the hero Main Street wants, or even needs, but that didn’t stop her.

Managing Mosaic Editor

I’ve never been to Main Street without being completely overwhelmed by the plethora of food choices. Name a mood, there’s food.

So I did the unthinkable. I did something that made that choice a little bit easier: I tried every dried piece of gum on Main Street and have chosen the best of the best. The cream of the crop. The ones you should not miss.

5. Wintergreen underneath the bike rack outside of 7/11

I wasn’t sure about this one. I wasn’t even sure it would be wintergreen. It looked a bit too light, too much like melon. But when I say that it held its flavor, it was like it took me on a trip to the middle of a forest of pine.

4. Double bubble on the Grotto’s wall

Anything that has to do with Grotto’s makes me a bit nervous, but this double bubble held up both its flavor and its texture.

3. Juicy fruit in the middle of the street in front of Trabant

I questioned whether or not this was still considered Main Street given that it’s a bit further down, but I’ll be damned if I don’t include this decadent piece of juicy fruit because of a technicality.

2. Cinnamon stuck to a bee on the mural next to Homegrown

I’ll say it. I hate cinnamon gum. Who doesn’t? But something about the length of time that the gum stuck to that bee made that flavor something else. It was one of the best tastes I’ve experienced in my young life.

1. Spearmint on the curb outside of Walgreens

I knew this gum was freshly chewed based on the texture and color. Someone must have bought a pack inside Walgreens and decided against Spearmint. But that made for the nicest snack for me, a gum connoisseur. Why they decided to discard such a decadent piece with a ripe mouthfeel, I’ll never know. But I thank them. I thank them and I thank the gods of gum that I got to experience this perfect, perfect piece.

Chew responsibly.

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