Satire: Parents and Family Weekend preparedness: precautionary measures for impending catastrophe

Main Street
The Review reports that wait times for post-dage meals were at an all-time high during Parents and Family Weekend.

Senior Reporter

As Parents and Family Weekend slowly approaches, university students have officially declared a state of emergency, categorizing the threat as a code orange.

Every October, the university reminds its students of the increased risk of fund revocation that comes with the perils of Parents and Family Weekend.

To help prepare for the rapid surge of responsible, law-abiding adults, some university students provided their preparation plans to ensure safety before the storm strikes.

“Yeah I’m taking extra precautions this season,” Chad Pearce, a junior in Phi Pi Kappa, says. “Last year I really thought I could ride it out, but Doug left his bong out before heading to El Deebs with his fam, so there were hella damages.”

Some university students recommend distracting parents to keep them away from potential social interaction with residence hall floor mates.

“I’m taking them to… Jeff Fox?” Caroline Bowers, a first-year student, says. “Is that his name? I don’t know there’s some old guy that parents are supposed to like.”

Other university students have taken to evacuating, heading home rather than greeting their parents on campus.

“There’s just absolutely no way that my disgusting roommates will clean up a single thing in time for my parents to visit,” Laura Riley, a first-year student, says. “They’ve literally never even taken out the trash. Ever. I don’t even think they know that Redding has dumpsters.”

But some university students expressed minimal concern for the potential disaster, despite the code orange warning.

“Yo my dad’s like totally ready for this,” Brad Tucker, Jr., a senior, says. “It’s a legacy, man. He’s coming to celebrate that number one party school status. You should hear about the Everclear fountain he rigged up.”

Despite some university students giving levity to the situation, The Review would like to remind all university students to prepare for the flood of foot traffic that will clog Main Street, inflating wait times for post-dage meals. University students are cautioned to avoid Grottos and dispose of contraband.

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