Satire: Summer renovations to presidential mansion include Biden Institute viewing balcony

President Assanis Interview
photo by Xander Opiyo/THE REVIEW
Biden fever continues this year with Assanis’ new mansion renovations.


The presidential mansion on Kent Way underwent several renovations this summer, the largest of which included the addition of a balcony to the mansion’s west wing.

According to sources, President Dennis Assanis commissioned the project to increase visibility of the Biden Institute directly across the street, which a tree branch in front of his bedroom window had previously obscured.

It has been reported that the Institute is the president’s favorite building on campus, and he has been spotted drooling in front of it during his evening walks. Mansion aides have also confirmed that the president prefers to go to bed with the image of the Institute in his head, prompting the need for the balcony.

The balcony is fully equipped with a rail and stationary binoculars, allowing for optimal viewing. While it does require quarters to operate, the president is said to justify the expense by thinking about the publicity and revenue that the Institute is projected to bring in, donating all binocular proceeds to the Institute.

According to aides, concerns were raised during the eclipse, when the president spent the whole afternoon on the balcony but refused to put on safety glasses, fearing that they might interfere with a Biden sighting.

The president did not respond to comment on the matter, but was seen leaning on the balcony rail yesterday evening, gazing in an apparent trance at the Institute for several hours.

Leaks have revealed that the next major project will involve the construction of a Biden Institute miniature model in the mansion, fully equipped with Joe Biden figurines.

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