[Satire] University announces Christiana Towers as new freshman housing, set to reopen 2021

towers satire visual
In spite of “closing,” the university remains optimistic that the Christiana Towers can be repurposed into freshman housing.

BY Senior Reporter

In what seems like an unexpected turn of events, university Residence Life & Housing (RLH) has announced the upcoming reopening of the Christiana Towers.
The scheduled closing of the two Laird Campus apartment buildings was originally declared in the fall of 2018, following much prior speculation, reportedly due to maintenance costs and overall financial and functional unsustainability. The official announcement came after upperclassmen had already submitted priority housing applications, many noting preferences towards the two buildings for the following school year. In addition to being the only on-campus apartments at the time, this decision left more than a thousand students displaced with uncertain housing prospects, and created an unmitigated housing vacuum.
Thankfully, these issues were readily solved with the acquisition of the University Courtyard Apartments and an off-campus housing fair which was held by the university that following semester and was attended by 14 students.
However, not even a year after the announcement of the Towers’ shutdown, the university and RLH have determined that the derelict buildings can still be put to use.
“The Christiana Towers are on-track to reopen as on-campus student housing for the 2021-2022 academic year,” Jon Trimble, Director of RLH, said in an official statement regarding the future of the twin monoliths of North Campus. “However, they will be reserved for 2021’s incoming freshmen.”
“We hope to provide an opportunity for new students to have access to an on-campus, apartment-style dormitory,” Trimble explained. “That is, an environment where they can choose to eat microwaved Annie’s mac & cheese instead of microwaved dining hall french fries. Where they can smoke weed in their rooms without fear of penalty from the overzealous RAs that stalk the corridors of the freshman residence halls of East Campus.”
Trimble described how closing and reopening the Towers were actually part of the university’s long-term plan all along.
“At least once a week, a new Newark landlord or developer would invite us for lunch at Home Grown. On top of the potential of attracting the already growing freshman enrollment with apartment housing, closing the Towers for ‘maintenance costs’ just felt like the natural decision,” Trimble said. “Eventually, we do plan on demolishing the Towers though. We’ve been spitballing some ideas and right now we’re considering turning the property into a boutique, Tudor-style bed-and-breakfast inn, with which we hope to accommodate visiting Long Island parents who, projections show, we can juice more money out of than we currently are.”
He recently spoke at a housing conference alongside other university and RLH administrators to answer questions about the Towers and other upcoming university housing projects.
At the housing conference, when a student asked about any potential plans for new apartment-style dormitories for sophomores and juniors, Trimble proceeded to take off his shoe and throw it at him. Trimble has since denied any further request for interview, but multiple accounts have reported seeing him rummaging between sofa cushions in Morris Library for loose change.
Two previous residents of the Towers, junior marine science major and junior communication major Adrian Jackson and Trevor Dubois, expressed their optimism at the news of the Towers being given a second chance.
“It honestly is a kind of relief,” Jackson said. “After we moved out, we had to pay a total of $400 in room damage fees because we hosted a WWE-style wrestling tournament in our living room as soon as they first announced they would be demolishing the building. I mean, I didn’t think they’d still be up.”
“Yeah, by the end of the year, most of our furniture was broken, someone had somehow stolen my dresser, and there was a formless mold creeping up the crevice between the stove and the kitchen top,” Dubois said. “I’m just glad our money is being put to use and that new students can have the chance to enjoy the Towers as much as we did.”
Jackson and Dubois, both out-of-state students, are currently living in their 2004 Chevy Suburban, which they park overnight at the Acme Markets parking lot in College Square.
“There’s not much room for the both of us but it beats paying rent,” Jackson said.
According to RLH’s initial statement on the Towers, the university plans on leaving the buildings untouched and abandoned until the summer of 2021, during which they will begin spraying the entirety of both building’s interiors with Febreze and Lysol Disinfectant Spray (Crisp Linen).
Since returning for the fall semester, students have also reported witnessing actual goblins wandering and inhabiting the 11th through 14th floors of the West Tower, as well as hearing loud, indistinguishable noises coming from the building late at night. RLH administration and staff have also refused to comment on these accounts.

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