Satire: University introduces minotaur to the maze that is the South Green
This Friday, the university delivered on long-rumored plans to increase the interest in classics and history by introducing a 10-foot tall half man half bull that has devoured several students within the chain fenced Thunderdome on the South Green.
“Since having my legs torn clean off on the way to a Comm lecture, my GPA has shot right up to a 4.0,” Jeffrey Jeff, a recently attacked student says. “It hasn’t really affected my ability to get to class, because it already took forever.”
The university has promised to give automatic A+ grades to students like Jeff who have been affected, as well as referrals to funeral services for families impacted by the new policy.
The south ‘metal and dirt’ was already a lifeless place, with rotating fences that made every day a new confusing, harrowing adventure through a modern hedge maze. Traversing this hell of ‘improvements’ that most students will never see come to fruition is especially dangerous at night, when no lights illuminate the pathways.
With the introduction of the minotaur, professors have begun to allow students to be late to class, as well as to carry scimitars and other defense weapons.
Speaking of armaments, since the recently announced closure of Lieberman’s bookstore, Newark residents have pondered what business will take the storefront’s place.
“Due to the recent development of a ‘gladiator-like situation,” President Assanis says at the beginning of a chariot race that was held on STAR campus this Saturday. “We are happy to welcome the Bronze Hammer Forge Medieval Weaponry Company to campus.”
Bronze Hammer Forge Medieval Weaponry Co. will be given exclusive rights to the production of licensed university armor, swords and shields.
The old bookstore that stood as a cornerstone of student life, a direct connection between the behemoth of a university and the increasingly overshadowed city of Newark, will be replaced by a gigantic tent and outdoor forge by this spring.
“UD is excited to invite applicants from the materials engineering school as interns to produce hardened carbon steel spearheads,” Levi Thompson, dean of the College of Engineering says. “Unfortunately, only applicants with gigantic beards will be afforded this great opportunity; I mean it is a blacksmith forge after all.”
Thompson, who has rejected any contact from The Review to interview, has previously focused much of his efforts in developing the STAR campus research opportunities. This is the first instance in which infrastructure on the north side of campus will be utilized to invite in business investment in academic opportunities.
The new minotaur policy, while horrific, is a welcome change to the general real estate development plans of the university.
Previous plans in recent years, shown in decisions like purchasing and failing to develop a 200 acre GM Plant and contributing to an under-construction $50 million train station, were to develop Newark into a new tech hub city on the east coast between Washington and New York. The tax-free land lease acres of the university would create a meritocratic utopia.
The land of the 200 acre purchase south of campus was proposed to become a data center and natural gas power plant, which was fought against as un-environmentally friendly by professors, students and residents. Shortly thereafter, the business behind the power plant folded and appeared to be a hoax puppet show with a P.O. Box in the middle of Pennsylvania as a main office address. The company is currently facing lawsuits for defaulting on state backed loans.
The president of the university at the time, Allen Harker, left office shortly thereafter, and Assanis was brought in. Assanis, a lifelong educator with experience in auto mechanic development, was hired just after the university faced problems developing the infrastructure of a gigantic auto manufacturing plant.
Sounds like a great business plan, but unfortunately, the minotaur violence on campus paints a drastically different picture. With the tech trend now reversing and Colosseum activities overflowing past the blue hen stadiums, it looks like a fall of Rome type of situation is facing our little academic society.
Alan Bergman, an ex-university property manager who left shortly after the towers were condemned to close earlier than the university had planned, spoke out against the change.
“They shouldn’t have gone through with it,” Bergman said. “Why should the university focus funding on murderous bulls, while Blue Hens still struggle to find affordable housing?”
As a history major who knows nothing about real estate development myself, I welcome the change. Though I’m concerned my senior pictures on the steps of the memorial will have to be taken under the protection of the new university Praetorian guards, I am excited to be a part of something truly different within the American academic landscape.