Satire: We love taking tests!

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Students are overjoyed at the idea of exams coming up!


With finals season quickly approaching, students at the university are really looking forward to taking all of their exams. Professors are trying their best to contain the hordes of students who are showing up to their office hours, begging to take their exam early.

In fact, there have been reports that students are even considering taking two exams for the same class. A professor was stunned by the number of students who were not disappointed by his exam set up — an exam on the last day of classes and a final exam during finals week.

“I’m really looking forward to practicing my French skills,” says one student taking the professor’s course on French idiosyncrasies. “The format for the exam is looking to be very promising — there might be a fill-in-the-blank section with no word bank!”

Along with multiple exams, there are also students taking two courses with the same professor, who were given the option of writing only one 10-page paper and taking an exam for the other course, instead of writing two 10-page papers.

I am one of those students. It gives me such a thrill to write 20 pages of solid 400-level Spanish, as well as having to translate my English sources into Spanish so I can quote them properly within my paper. Why would I ever have decided to take an exam during finals week when I can just turn in two thesis-length papers instead?

Students like me are rapidly becoming more noticeable, as they run around The Green with Hermione Granger-esque facades of intelligence and hard work, quoting their favorite brainiac as they stay up until 4 a.m., studying astrophysics or Latin prose.

The icon for these students is Hermione Granger, who once said “oh no” upon the realization that Professor Dumbledore was cancelling exams in their second year at Hogwarts because of the drama that ensued with the Chamber of Secrets. It was Hermione herself who had her priorities well sorted out when it came to education.

“Now if you two don’t mind, I’m going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed — or worse, expelled,” Hermione says in the first movie, “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.” Exam-loving students have been repeating this quote to their less exam-conscious friends throughout the past couple of weeks.

“I just don’t understand why anybody wouldn’t be excited about getting their final grades,” a freshman student, overheard in Caesar Rodney dining hall, says.

“Like, I can’t see myself not taking exams and doing just as well in the class,” the unknown student said. “What if the exam was our only basis for grading, huh?”

As finals are just around the corner, these students will find themselves taking full advantage of the extended hours at the library and extra office hours that some professors have begun offering. You can see them in the windows of Gore, sleeping on the tables of the library or chanting chemical equations under their breath as they run to class.

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