Student Sues Over Inaccurate Chili Pepper Rating


Melisa Soysal
Melissa Soysal/THE REVIEW

Freshman Coby Mann has caused a stir due to his lawsuit against the website He believes that he has been “catfished,” though not in the sense of the popular and tear-jerking reality television show on MTV. His suit claims the website gave deliberately misleading information as to the hotness of Mathematics professor Gertrude Fisher.

“The professor’s chili pepper rating on that stupid website was fire,” Mann muttered in irritation. “So, I thought that her body would be fire.”

But Mann was wrong. When he entered the lecture hall ready to meet a professor with an unusually high hotness rating on, he was horrified to find that the professor was “quite unattractive and crusty,” according to his standards.

“[Fisher]’s body is like a duffel bag filled with Chick-fil-A,” Mann said in a terrified tone, recounting the traumatic moments of first witnessing his professor.

What Mann didn’t know is that the reason for the professor’s record-breaking rating has nothing to do with her attractiveness. Many of the websites contributors are unsympathetic to the misleading.

“Only a freshman could mistake a totally bogus rating for something serious,” former student Christopher Sawyer said. “I mean, the first review clearly said that she’s ninety-seven.”

When alerted of this fact, Mann shook his head in disappointment. “Who would think that the number 97 relates to someone’s age?” Mann asked. “If I see 97, then I’m obviously going to think it’s a 97 on the hotness scale. People only live until they’re old, like… 33.”

“I came to this prestigious establishment for three reasons: to dage, to disappoint my parents and to fulfill my lifelong dream of having a hot babe as a teacher,” Mann complained. “Because of this stupid website, my whole college experience has been ruined by that creature with a forehead like Bailey from Finding Dory. Now I can never touch a woman.”

The story behind the controversial rating proves more dark and complicated than a simple hotness rating, however. After she discovered the website and read that her past students would have, “rather sat through five consecutive documentaries on grass than one of her lectures,” Fisher became determined to receive higher ratings. One day in class, she overheard six brothers from the local fraternity Alpha Gyro Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia discussing how a member nearly imploded after consuming a ghost chili pepper.

The next class, she brought in a mason jar filled with the peppers and consumed three of them in front of the lecture. This attempt to be impressive earned her confused glances from her students and screams of disbelief and overwhelming excitement from the fraternity brothers. Later that night, the whole fraternity agreed to increase her chili pepper rating on

Nevertheless, Mann is not the only victim of the website’s inaccuracies. After Mann began to whine about “the tyranny of blind ratings,” another student came forward with an opposite complaint.

“Last semester, I purposely sought out an unattractive professor so that I could actually focus on the material,” Austin Powell told our reporters, pushing his glasses higher up onto the bridge of his nose. “Then I walk in on the first day of class, and I am blown away by a Ph.D.-seeking angel. My G.P.A. has dropped by a whole point! I can’t help it. I try to do my best on the tests, but my eyes always remain latched onto her ravishing collarbones.”
Powell has since joined Mann’s lawsuit. While they try to form a strong case against, Powell and Mann may realize that it is impossible to sue the website.

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