Top places to hold a satanic ritual

Satanic Rituals
Courtesy of Nathan Simers
A satirical guide to an alternative to the usual Halloween festivities.


You’ve been looking forward to Halloween all year, but not for the regular boring reasons like candy and costumes. No, you’re a hot young heretic, and Oct. 31 is the perfect time to worship your boy, Satan. Just in time for Hallow’s Eve, we bring you the 666 coolest places to perform satanic rituals.

Just kidding, we’ve only got eight.

1. North Chapel cemetery

You can never go wrong with an old classic. To make the most of your ritual: buy a cemetery plot. Buy a casket. Put yourself in the casket. Bury yourself. Then, try to complete your ceremony before you run out of air. Nothing says “Hail Satan” like saying nothing due to lack of oxygen.

2. Bathroom of Panera Bread

The women’s bathroom in Panera Bread is home to a well-kept secret — the gates of hell. Who knew? Satan did, and he wants you to worship him there. Pro tip: the stall on the far right has a better spiritual aura.

3. Newark High School

Teenagers are devils. You like devils. Go to the high school, and let the children taunt whatever is your deepest source of social anxiety—don’t worry, they’ll figure it out. Incorporate their dark, terrible energy (and your tears) into the ritual.

4. Grotto’s—but the pizza side

The entirety of Grotto’s is suitably hellish, yes, but the pizza side is where it’s at—because from their ovens comes pure evil. Eating Grotto’s pizza is a form of torture not regularly seen in our mortal coil, probably because it’s a Lucifer family recipe. Spice things up and draw a pentagram with the sauce.

5. The Reservoir

You’re a witch or something, right? Witches can breathe underwater—Salem proved that. Swim to the very bottom of the reservoir and commune with the big man downstairs.

6. Hot Topic

As we all know, Hot Topic is the most authentic place for demonic activities. Like your mom said, you started being way more disrespectful after you started shopping there—proof that the devil expresses himself through your defiant taste in mall stores. Buy some $70 Tripp pants, because what’s a satanic ritual without Tripp pants? Make sure you stop by the food court and get yourself some Cinnabon, because that stuff is straight-up sinfully delicious.

7. A Burger King dumpster

Burger King’s already a pretty good approximation of hell, so imagine how perfect their dumpsters must be? Also, there are probably bats inside—just a gut feeling. Curl up on an old bag of buns and do your thing.

8. Sandwich Town USA

This hellscape-fever-dream of a nightmare restaurant was perfect for satanic rituals—and still is. Using your spooky powers, go back in time to an era when Sandwich Town was still on Main Street. Under their dim, gray lighting, eat a sad sandwich and sob silently to yourself as you worship the undead.

It’s what Satan wants.

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