Tour Guide Persuades Prospective Student to Attend by Lying About Everything

Melisa Sysal
Melisa Sysal/THE REVIEW
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BY
PARODY PERSONNELL

MEMORIAL HALL—Tour guide Krista Reynolds resorted to slightly exaggerating the truth while leading a tour on April 30th, resulting in prospective student Richard Burns putting down his deposit for the school.

“As a tour guide, the majority of my spiel to parents includes subtle lying,” Reynolds stated. “When parents ask how the dining hall food is, it’s frowned upon to tell them that the cream of spinach soup at Pencader that’s best drank from a straw. So I insist that the dishes are ‘light yet satisfying and a bit adventurous’ while trying not to visibly cringe.”

As per admissions policy, tour groups are able to walk through the dining halls, but are not permitted to taste any of the food. Reynolds credits this policy to about 300 committed students decisions each year.

Despite the obvious ethical issues and complete lack of evidence, students have been committing left and right after taking one of Reynolds’ tours. “I’m especially excited to have my own space next year. Freshmen each get their own flat screen TV as well as a tempurpedic mattress pad to ensure us the best sleep possible, so we’re not too tired for our 11 am classes,” Burns exclaims, “I heard freshmen get prime scheduling and I knew this was the place for me.”

Reynolds also makes up ridiculously inaccurate historical facts to add to the rich history of the University of Delaware, and specifically to lure in parents. “I’m so impressed that Joe Biden not only went to UD, but he singlehandedly built Morris Library! It just fills me with hope that one day my little Ricky will be president,” mother of Richard, Carol Burns sighs.

“I don’t necessarily consider it unethical,” Reynolds insists, “Prospective students and their families hear what they want to hear. Once they put down their deposit, they’re committed for good, just like we all are here. Plus, big surprise, schools lie to students about the likelihood they’ll get a job anyway, half these kids will be flipping burgers for a living and we all know it.”

“They should be getting used to disappointment, they’ll fit right in.”

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