Week of March 03: Mosaic’s Weekly Horoscopes

PUB.DOM.DED. Pixa Acer Pics Oct. 17. 25{30) -10-17 Zodiac in Diamonds   LOW  RES
Courtesy of Creative Commons/THE REVIEW

Learn about your future for free with Mosaic’s weekly horoscopes, which are almost 100% guaranteed to be true.

Pisces: Pisces friends, it’s your time to shine. With a new Tame Impala album coming through your AirPods and a fresh break up in your heart, the canvas has never seen a monster as fearsome as you.

Aries: Chase your dreams. Shoot your shot with Claire from Bon Appetit.

Taurus: After finding out that Claire from Bon Appetit is, in fact, married, you will spiral into a deep depression. However, you will turn to your old friends for help: Flaming Hot Cheetos and American Spirit menthols. Hang tight, it’ll be over soon.

Gemini: Doja Cat was probably right when she said, “Can’t trust a big butt and a Gemini.” Expect to be cut off soon.

Cancer: You’re destined to spend your entire food budget on Cherry Garcia flavored Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to try and fill the gaping void of your heart. Bon appetit!

Leo: Go out in the fields on South Campus and do some yodeling for the cows this Wednesday afternoon. If you’re lucky, all other Leo’s who have read this horoscope will join you.

Virgo: Spend at most $2 dollars and at least 50 cents on a can of black beans for the person you love. They’re hearty, they’re healthy, and most of all, they’re beans.

Libra: You will embark on a long journey to find yourself this month. You’ll never reach the end.

Scorpio: Don’t dwell in the past, don’t dream in the future, concentrate on the present. You don’t need to look up if you can retake rocks for jocks for the third time, you just need to pass it now.

Sagittarius: Channel your inner crusade knight from the third Crusade this week but beware; this might be a bad idea when going to your 8:00 a.m. chemistry lecture still hungover

Capricorn: Stop scheduling sex! It’s not hot!

Aquarius: In an attempt to find someone on the same wavelength as you, you will travel to outer space. You will die because you lack the proper resources to go to outer space.

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