What are the stars saying?: Your (completely accurate) weekly horoscope

PUB.DOM.DED. Pixa Acer Pics Oct. 17. 25{30) -10-17 Zodiac in Diamonds   LOW  RESTHE REVIEW
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Virgo: Who needs air conditioning or hair-free showers when you can still have loads of fun in your dorm? After all, you don’t need a fancy swimming pool when you can drown in your own sweat and the tears of your weekly cry sesh. You can finally achieve your dream body considering all of your classes are at least a twenty minute walk away from your dorm. Use those ferociously fierce calves to stomp out the haters, especially Nancy, who keeps bragging about her perfect rooming situation. Screw you, Nancy!

Libra: You know what Nancy? I don’t care how goddamn perfect your life is! Sure you may have spent an amazing summer partying in Cancun, but the real party is in Delaware! Does Cancun have a bitchin’ art museum featuring a beautiful and intriguing blend of American and British art? Or does it have a very average library where you can update yourself on fashion trends even when you don’t give a shit? Delaware will only prove more exciting as the semester continues. You shall prosper my fellow students, except you, Nancy.

Scorpio: Following the aftermath of a chaotic relationship, you will begin to question your own worth. Of course, as every Scorpio knows, the only way to assert your own worth is to prove it through capitalism. You might have to take out a second mortgage for those Balenciaga Crocs, however, it’s all going to be worth it once HE sees you walking down Main Street in your fresh, expensive kicks.

Sagittarius: Just because you’re returning to campus doesn’t mean that the fantasy has to end. Summer was a pink-shaded, cotton-candy flavored, friend-filled roller coaster ride that was all sparkles and rainbows in your mind. Make sure to show everyone you know the thousand polaroids you took chronicling the adventure and remember to buy more film.

Capricorn: This is your time. This is your moment. Pick up that fourth major and sixth minor. Join the Review. Write a novel. Shoot for the stars. Sleep is irrelevant. Get back to work.

Aquarius: After an impromptu trip to the Sierra Nevada Mountain range, you will find yourself stuck on a mountain ledge, much like a mountain goat. However, you are not actually a mountain goat— you will fall off the mountain. Then you will perish.

Pisces: You don’t even deserve a horoscope, Nancy! I won’t give you the pleasure!!

Aries: Spending the summer in marketing and customer-relations (i.e. as a cashier) wasn’t your proudest moment. Your boss Suzie just would not give it a rest even though she didn’t know what she was doing. No worries, the school year is young and you can gnash your teeth into the flesh of new enemies in your pursuit of world domination.

Taurus: The general theme of your life over the past semester has been to switch things up, and you have been THRIVING. With those wasps out of your room, a fresh pair of Birkenstocks just waiting to be broken in and a new position as a staffer of Mosaic, where all the cool kids are, you are truly living your best life. However, beware: it’s not always sunny in paradise. Three majors can quickly become five, and you can be in deeper shit than you ever were before.

Gemini: Don’t worry about the haters because you will finally crush them! That’s right. I’m looking at you, Nancy. No one will even notice the disappearance of a blonde, skinny honors student who is 5’10” and smells like pineapples. Oh, god damn it, Nancy! Why are you so perfect?!

Cancer: Good news— Lana Del Rey released a new album, which will be the perfect soundtrack to your hourly crying sesh! Get out that vintage record player (that you have no fucking clue how to work— you bought it to impress your hipster ex-boyfriend) and let the tears and the records roll. Chin up, because a ghost from your past will soon make a surprise visit to your door, and we all know you’ll let them in. However, things might turn out unexpectedly… good.

Leo: You’re doing well in life but that’s no surprise because you’re the best. This semester will go off without a hitch, or at least that’s what you’ll make sure other people think. During the dark nights where you’re kept awake remembering that time milk squirted out of your nose in the fourth grade, follow the light towards Mosaic and turn your life around. Join us. You’re one of us. You can’t hide.

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