BY SHAYNA DEMICK
Co-Managing Mosaic Editor
This is an ode to my cat,
simply because I think she’s all that.
Some say that female cats are inferior to male cats,
but I think that’s the patriarchy talking.
My cat is female and proud. And I’m proud of her.
She’s kind, perceptive and in touch with her feelings – all learned from me.
She also knows how to gaslight…
I have noooo idea where she got that one from!
She bites, but I think it’s important that women stand up for themselves.
That logic doesn’t apply when she bites me, though.
That’s rude and ungrateful.
And I literally just fed her.
Why is she angry?
My cat would be perfect in a soap opera.
She has the shock factor slap down to a T.
She knows how to give me some serious whiplash.
She climbs up to my level, stares me down, and…
WHACK!
She loves to express her feelings with violence.
Whether that’s smacking, pouncing or biting,
not a second goes by when I don’t know her every demand.
Usually (always), that demand is food.
The simultaneous demand for snuggles is usually conveyed with a gentle head rub
or laying on my face.
Suffocation with love, if you will.
She’s adorable so I let it pass.
My cat is vocal.
She fights for what she believes in.
These beliefs include…
Her right to constant feeding,
constant snuggling,
constant attention
and my neverending presence.
She’s vocal when I leave.
She’s vocal when I arrive.
She‘s vocal when she’s hungry.
Imagine your least favorite alarm
and double your agony.
That’s what my cat’s meowing feels like.
My cat is an emotional support cat.
On paper, at least.
She doesn’t always know how to deal with emotions.
She has two support modes: smother and retreat.
She might try some suffocation to calm you down or avoid you entirely.
Sometimes she adds a little bite to say, “Stop being upset!”
Do doctors say that a puncture wound a day keeps the therapist away?
Oh? They don’t?
I don’t know where my cat read that, then.
One time my cat ripped a zit off of my face.
It hurt, but the zit did not come back afterward.
New skincare routine?
My cat is my dermatologist I suppose.
I’ve obtained quite a few scratches from her clawing my face.
However, she is extremely snuggly when she isn’t hungry.
She is the perfect little heated, weighted blanket.
She’s the cutest little kitty cat
with the cutest white mittens.
She may not control her claws with maturity,
but she’s (almost) always there for me.
She is a great homework buddy…
except when she sits on my computer and tries to write my assignments or texts.
That doesn’t always go so well.
She may hate academia,
but she loves me,
and at the end of the day that’s all that matters.
I love the attention and the emotional support.
My cat may be a menace but she’s my menace.
Can you tell I’m a bit obsessed with my cat?
