BY SHAYNA DEMICK
A vegan’s paradise.
Trader Joe’s is mine actually. I’ve claimed it. Sorry.
I’m not willing to make any compromises.
I’ve heard Dollar Tree is quite nice though! They have root beer popsicles there and they’re not great, but they’re.. okay! They’re… only a dollar? Yay! What a steal! It’s the real deal. Why aren’t you on your way to DT right now?
Oh. You are walking as you’re reading this? I’m sorry. It was rude of me to assume that you can’t multitask.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of Trader Joe’s best hits 2022:
Coldbrew boba ice cream. Tastes like a dream.
If the dream wasn’t like the sweaty stress dreams I have every night.
When drinking three cups of coffee becomes insufficient, a coffee dessert is just what you need.
That’s the Shayna guarantee!
Instant brown sugar boba.
Can you tell I like boba? Every date I went on during my freshman year of college was a boba date. So yeah, I would say I like boba. Either that or I have no creativity when it comes to planning dates. That may be true. My most creative date was watching the Minions movie.
Pasta. Pasta. And more pasta. Tri-color rotini! Fusilli! Rigatoni! The other irrelevant noodles!
Oatmilk chocolate bars. They’re basically Hershey with cuter packaging and no stomach aches.
Fake eggs, but they’re real in my heart. They smell kinda funny but if you had covid like me that shouldn’t be too big of an issue.
Bananas. Cheap! 25 cents for bananas? Now that’s what I call bananas!
Vegan spring rolls are great if your roommate doesn’t have a fatal sesame allergy.
Sarah knows how to break hearts with her genetic makeup.
Coldbrew bags. Which aren’t sold anymore but my serotonin (and caffeine addiction) was at an all-time high when they were sold. I don’t know what happened to them. Maybe Amanda and I wiped the shelves clean. Sorry to those who are also suffering from this loss.
Amanda and Sarah are my roommates by the way. If you don’t know them, that’s a personal issue.
That’s also beside the point.
They do, however, love Trader Joe’s just as much as I do.
Grocery shopping is a spiritual bonding experience for the three of us.
If you aren’t going to Trader Joe’s with your roommates then your living situation is not reaching its full potential.
If you’re asking why my roommates are able to go to Trader Joe’s despite my claiming it, it’s because I like them more than everyone else. Also, we’re so psychologically abnormal that we are basically all the same person anyway.
Trader Joe’s gives free stickers. Are they for children? Yes, but they have cute cartoons on them and I deserve them more than the children. I am more humble and gracious than any child that could enter Trader Joe’s.
Trader Joe’s has an endless supply of kombucha. Who doesn’t love digestive enzymes and fruity beverages all in one?!
You don’t deserve to read this poem if you don’t.
Trader Joe’s in Delaware is cheap.
Acme is a scam and costs half of my rent.
Trader Joe’s has prices you can’t beat.
Unless you go to Dollar Tree.
Which is why you should go to Dollar Tree.
I’m not trying to convince you to go to Trader Joe’s. I’m just expressing my love for the establishment. The gatekeeping is still being enforced.
You have to have my stamp of approval before entering Trader Joe’s. The stamp is of Peppa Pig because it embodies my energy pretty well. Don’t try to buy a Peppa Pig stamp and fake my approval because I own the only Peppa Pig stamp on the planet. I’m sneaky like that.
Trader Joe’s ends the woes.
Trader Joe’s and the bros.
Trader Joe’s field trips.
Trader Joe’s therapy sessions.
Trader Joe’s does the most.
Trader Joe’s cured my depression.
After my slew of psychotropic medications of course. And my weekly therapy sessions. And my intermittent naps.
Trader Joe’s is the love of my life.
Slander will not be tolerated.
You should be ashamed of yourself if you don’t like Trader Joe’s. That’s a red flag and a severe character flaw.
Thank you and goodnight.