Wednesday, May 22, 2024

Satire: Dear Denny’s

MosaicCampus LifeSatire: Dear Denny’s

Co-Managing Mosaic Editor

A few weeks ago, The Den by Denny’s removed the Beyond Burger from their menu and replaced it with a black bean burger. As a vegan, I have many feelings about this decision and I want everyone (including Denny’s) to understand my pain. 

I hope this letter reaches you, Denny’s. 

Dear Denny’s,

I used to love you.

You used to be my comfort restaurant on campus, which says a lot because I am a HUGE critic of the university’s dining. However, you were different from the rest. You had flexible hours and always welcomed me with open arms. A late night of studying could always be accompanied by a delicious Beyond Burger, which despite not being inherently vegan, you would always modify just for me. No bun or aioli — rather, a lettuce wrap, tomato, pico de gallo and guacamole. 

You cooked the burger just right — not too crispy, not too soft. The perfect consistency for the perfect meal. The fries on the side were divine. They were some of the best fries I’ve ever had, to be frank. I wouldn’t even need ketchup with the fries because they were THAT GOOD. The cooks at Denny’s are truly artists. Or at least they used to be. 

Now, I know you still serve your fries. But let me say, you have been skimping on your fries lately. What’s with that? Giving me a soggy black bean burger with four soggy fries? You leave me wondering who hurt you. Not me, I hope. I wished you nothing but the best, up until your betrayal. 

My favorite part of my night used to be meal exchanging my scrumptious Beyond Burger, slicing it into little bite-size pieces and taking breaks between smacking away at my keyboard to enjoy said burger pieces. I always ate the fries first, because I’m a big proponent of leaving the best for last. 

Denny’s, what happened to us? I know many others who adored and ordered your Beyond Burger. What changed? Why did you decide to turn on your plant-loving students?

I’m not going to act like I don’t enjoy the black bean burger. I will admit that it’s quite tasty. However, nothing can compare to the delectable, delightful dinner that was a Denny’s Beyond Burger.

While the Beyond Burger is certified vegan, your black bean burger is not. According to the university’s Dining Services, it is not processed in a vegan facility and therefore not vegan-friendly. That is not very dietarily inclusive of you. I expected better from my favorite campus restaurant!

The default Beyond Burger may not have been a vegan item, but it could be modified as vegan, and that’s all that mattered to me.

From now on, I can’t financially support your restaurant. Your fries are not the same without a beautiful Beyond Burger next to them. 

I love you, but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. We had a good run. We just aren’t compatible anymore. You aren’t the restaurant I used to know.

Bye-bye, Beyond Burger. I will continue to miss you every day, but I will cherish the time we had together.

Maybe one day we will meet again.

Regretfully (but with love),

Shayna Demick




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