Sunday, March 3, 2024

Satire: Taylor Swift for president 2024

MosaicCreative ContentSatire: Taylor Swift for president 2024

BY JENI NANCE
Staff Reporter




“Dear Reader” (Taylor Alison Swift), 

The time is slowly approaching for the United States to elect a new president. This is my letter to you begging you to run in the next election. You are “Miss Americana.” You have made tremendous history in the music industry. Scratch that – you are the music industry. Now that you have found your “Lover,” you have it all. 

Blondie, I think I speak on behalf of all Swifties when I say, we want you as our president. Take this power to a new level! We have yet to elect a female as president. “F— the patriarchy.” Don’t go thinking “You’re on Your Own, Kid” because you have all your fans standing behind you.  

Now, you are probably wondering why you should run. I have compiled a list of reasons why you would be the best candidate. “Ready For It?” 1, 2, 3 … Let’s go b—! 

  1. You are “Untouchable.” With over a dozen awards and nominations and completely sold-out stadium tours, you’re going to be hard to beat.
  2. You are a “Mastermind.” You have spent years carefully sculpting your discography while planting little easter eggs for your fans to find with each album drop. Your creativity has single-handedly sent your career soaring. I have no doubt you would put that creativity to good use as president. 
  3. You never let the haters get to you, which has inspired millions of your fans to “Shake It Off.”  Presidential elections tend to bring a lot of negative energy, but “when we go crashing down, we come back every time,” right?  
  4. You are absolutely “Fearless.” You have taken risks in the music industry that other artists have not. I know you would take (much-needed) action as president, which is something other candidates might be scared to do. 
  5. You always manage to keep your composure in high-stress situations. No matter the circumstance, you never forget to stop, “Breathe,” and “calm down.” That kind of self-control is important in a job like this.

I bet you’re thinking, “Is It Over Now?” Nope, there’s more, so don’t “hit the brakes too soon”!

  1. You have brought “happiness” to millions of people (not just Swifties) across the country, and I know seeing you as president would be an inspiration to all the baby Swifties who look up to you. 
  2. Unlike other politicians, you would be going into this election with a “Clean” slate. Your opponents have dug themselves into holes deeper than they can climb out of, while you have managed to keep a good (and big) “reputation.”
  3. You are not afraid to “Change” things up. Throughout your music career, you have explored over five music genres, expanding your fan base immensely. 
  4. There are many debates on whether Kanye West made you famous after the 2009 VMAs. Winning the presidential election would be 1000% “Better Than Revenge.” “Karma” is you becoming head of the office. 
  5. You have brought “peace” among all Swifties. All of us come from different walks of life, but you are the “invisible string” tying us together. I have no doubt that you would do the same for the citizens of this country. 
  6. Something you have taught us was to “Never Grow Up.” No matter how old we are, we should always enjoy the things that make us happy. I can definitely say sometimes you make me feel like I’m “Fifteen” again. 
  7. You are “the 1.” “The Man.” The myth. The legend. Plain and simple. 
  8. “ME!” If those reasons are not enough for you, just take my word for it. I see “Sparks Fly” whenever I think about you taking office. 

“Long story short,” “Don’t Blame Me” for thinking you would be the best person to run our country. After hearing all 13 of my reasons, tell me why you would disagree. “I Wish You Would” take my letter into careful consideration. Seeing you in the Oval Office would fulfill my “Wildest Dreams” and “I can see you” making history. 

I was “Enchanted” to write you this letter. “Stay Beautiful”! 

“Forever & Always” your biggest fan, 

Jeni Nance

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