Thursday, January 26, 2023

Satire: The university has a hole problem

MosaicSatire: The university has a hole problem

BY STEVEN NORRIS
Staff Reporter




The university has been facing a severe increase in dangerous holes appearing around campus. Bricks in walkways have been disappearing and the unknown perpetrators have reached a stalemate with university officials. 

Potentially the most infamous hole is the Great North Campus Chasm, which at its largest spanned over nine feet in diameter and caused students a great amount of distress.

“Everyday I would walk to North Campus with the hope of going to Pencader,” Guy Walker, an avid upright self transportation hobbyist, says. “Once I would reach that massive gorge in front of the bridge, I would say ‘I just can’t do this’ and turn around.” 

As more bricks were stolen, university officials placed cones in the holes to avoid potential injuries. The cones were also stolen. 

The university has pushed back against the brick-stealing tradition. An email ultimatum was sent out claiming that this tradition is “vandalism” and “destruction of property.” Students, however, have rejected this by stating, “Let people enjoy things.” 

Brick prices range anywhere from 35 cents to 90 cents per brick, therefore dozens of dollars in damages have been caused by this controversial act. To cover these damages, the university plans to issue hefty fines to any perpetrators caught in the act (or perhaps they’ll have to raise tuition again).

The university has been relatively successful in its attempts to fill the holes. The Great North Campus Chasm has been filled and has yet to reappear. Throughout campus, smaller holes consisting of only one or a few missing bricks have popped up sporadically. However, these small depressions in walkways lie waiting for unsuspecting skateboarders to cruise by and have their day ruined. 

This hole fiasco has not only caused fiscal damages, but emotional damages as well. The university’s unofficial brick specialist, Klay Mason, was moved to tears upon hearing that the brick theft tradition had returned for the new school year. 

“It just isn’t fair to the craftsmen that made these fine bricks,” he explains. “These bricks were intended for roads and promenades. I can’t imagine what students would need these bricks for. The thought that they could be building something unnerves me.”

The university stationed police officers at popular hole sites to deter students from taking any more bricks. These officers may be the unseen victims of the brick crisis, as one can only imagine what being ordered to stare at holes in the ground for hours at a time feels like. 

“It’s definitely a distressing job,” an officer stationed at one of the holes says. “Every night I watch over that gargantuan gorge in fear of what these heathens might do to me.”

When asked about where he believes all the missing bricks are going, the officer says, “I’m not sure, however I believe we will see many of the bricks return at the next protest.” 

We were able to locate one of the brick-stealing perpetrators. They declined to comment, instead, at the mention of bricks they started foaming at the mouth and tried to bite several bystanders. 

“I live in fear,” the officer says.

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