Satire: Why SZA was at the Lil Bob (wrong answers only)

BY GABY NIEVES
Co-Managing Mosaic Editor

The year is 2023, and Solána Imani Rowe — though you probably know her as “SZA” — is having an amazing year within the music industry. From the release of her chart-topping new album “SOS” to the viral trends originating from her appearance on Saturday Night Live (SNL), SZA’s on top of the world.

Or at least, you’d think she’d be.

But she’s in Delaware for some reason.

At our university.

In the second-smallest U.S. state, pretty much known only for President Joe Biden and actress Aubrey Plaza (both of whom were also on SNL recently, oddly enough).

But … why?

After extensively searching the post she made on her Instagram story that alerted university fans to her location, and closely listening through “SOS” (to be reminded about how good of an album it is) for clues, here’s a list I have composed of possible reasons for SZA’s visit to the university:

SZA…

1. “ … just killed [her] ex” and now she has to lay low; and what better place to lay low than a state that people literally call “Dela … where?”
2. … is trying out for the swim team. I hear this is the perfect time of year to debut your collegiate swimming career (I did not actually hear this).
3. … is scouting out the venue for her spring concert performance. If she picked up any smells while doing this, I’d imagine them being that of tardiness (thanks Flo Rida) and betrayal (thanks Jack Harlow).
4. … needs a big boy. To which I would say to her, “Turn back, SZA! You will not find what you are searching for here!”
5. … got hungry. However, this is what flashed across her screen when she decided to order Chick-fil-A off of GrubHub: 78 mins • 131 in line
6. … came to do battle with Kirkbride Jesus. She heard what he’s like.
7. … came to do battle with YoUDee, to take her rightful place as our mascot (because she thinks the fact that he can’t sing is lame). In YoUDee’s defense, he can’t even speak in the first place; but even so, they say you can hear him quivering in his coop from a mile away.

In actuality, any of these reasons could be the true explanation for SZA gracing the university with her presence. There could be multiple! In fact, it could be all of them! (Or, she could have been filming a music video; or it could have something to do with the fact that she attended Delaware State University, whose main campus is only about an hour away from here.)

I suppose only time will tell.