Behold: Your clearly accurate weekly horoscope
BY Managing Mosaic Editor
AND , Copy Desk Chief
Aries: Give in to your instincts as you walk along The Green: Kick that squirrel. Will it attack you? Probably. But will your inner raging goblin of destruction feel delighted? Absolutely. Release your inhibitions. Feel the squirrel on your shins.
Taurus: You mess with the bull, you get angry Sunday morning emails — don’t you forget it. The wasps know something you don’t. Listen to their buzzing and take notes. Do not share your coffee with them.
Gemini: Your friends don’t actually hate you. Unless they do, but honestly, what can you do? Try to make as many major decisions as you can this week. It will energize you through the end of the semester. By the time you realize what happened, all the wheels will be in motion.
Cancer: What’s up you sad bitch? Something tells me that you’re crying in the bathroom during an important event again. Do your best to get back out there, but don’t drunk text your mom this time.
Leo: You know what you’re supposed to be doing. Cowgirl up and take responsibility for your actions. Also, there’s only so many times you can go to Panera a week before the staff starts wondering if you’re going off the rails. Which you are, but don’t tell them that.
Virgo: Have you seen a frog yet this week? Yes? Good. No? Beware. There is great wisdom in small amphibians, and you will need it to weather the coming events. Especially April 25. The frogs are planning something. Be their friend.
Libra: Someone has your back. Someone else doesn’t. You know them both, and they both know all of your secrets. What’s the lesson here? Stop oversharing. And don’t make all of your passwords the same. What’s the other lesson here? Don’t know people.
Scorpio: You can and should eat ice cream for every meal. It may not be good for your skin, but it sure is good for your soul. Watch out for garden gnomes this week. And watch where you’re walking, idiot.
Sagittarius: I don’t know who you think you are, but you had absolutely no right to send that text. Go back and apologize. And put your dish away. Also, watch out for Libras this week.
Capricorn: You SHOULD go out tonight, but you SHOULD NOT wait until afterward to study for that exam. Do it now. I see all those tabs open on your computer. Your work isn’t gonna finish itself. Plus, that extra marg can be a reward.
Aquarius: Eating $30 of Domino’s won’t make you feel better, but hey, it can’t hurt to try? And crying in your car totally proves that you’re not as emotionally distant as your ex claimed, right? You felt a whole emotion! Enjoy it while it lasts — you won’t feel another for five to seven business days.
Pisces: Please stop messaging everyone at every hour of the day. They don’t want to hear what you had for lunch. And yes, your outfit looks good today. You don’t need to double check with everyone in your contacts.