Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Graduation horoscopes

MosaicCampus LifeGraduation horoscopes

SHAYNA DEMICK
Co-Managing Mosaic Editor





BY PERCY ALLEN III
Staff Writer




Wondering what you’ll be doing after you graduate? Don’t worry, we saw the future, and we’ll tell you exactly what it holds – even if it’s a little disappointing (and concerning). 

Aries 

Your competitive nature has probably landed you the job of your dreams, or at least on the path to getting there. Congrats! You must be really proud of yourself. Your fiery energy is going to be a force to be reckoned with wherever you go.

Can we say that this happiness is going to last years down the line? How are you going to feel after the 10th, 20th, 30th year of doing the same thing each and every day? What if that burnout ignites with your already brash nature? 

Sorry to break it to you, Aries, but a future of “Karen”-ing is imminent. That poor, minimum wage-earning high schooler at the grocery store better take your expired coupon for canned soup, lest you crash out and end up with your photo on the wall.


Taurus

You don’t particularly love helping others, but you do love being reminded that your life is better than others. You don’t always feel the most secure in your work or abilities, but talking to your clients is a great reminder that you’re better than the average Joe. Well, they’re worse off than average, but still. You’re doing better than them! 

You love money, but you love feeling secure more. So, you decided to be a psychotherapist. That way, you can charge more than the average therapist (no insurance deductions!) and hear stories from people who are so desperate for help that they’ll pay $300 an appointment. You hear their problems and you feel bad, you do, but you go home feeling grateful that you didn’t have their childhood. 

Sometimes, you internalize your clients’ troubles and get a little down in the dumps. But hey, your life could be worse, and at least you get to be reminded of that every day! 

Gemini  

You’re a little too erratic. You kept showing up to work and talking back to your boss because you thought that conversations in the workplace were open dialogues. Maybe that’s true, but your boss telling you to actually do your job was a command and not a dialogue. Apparently, your responsibilities aren’t negotiable if they’re written on your contract (who knew?!). You probably should’ve read the papers before signing your name, but that’s a lot of work. 

Erratic individuals may not make good employees, but they do make good cult leaders. That’s why, right after you got fired, you walked up to every white van your legs could take you to and asked if they were hiring. It was scary at first, but good things in life don’t come easy. They needed someone to do their dirty work and you, a curious little George, were dying to find out what the work could be. Now, every Friday night, you stand in New Jersey Wawas and make new friends (recruit people for your cult). You’re so non-threatening and dying for human connection that you’re the perfect Wawa conversationalist. 

Cancer

You care a lot about others. You’ll dedicate your entire life to a cause, even if that cause is helping a stranger in a Wawa. Even though you just wanted to get a snack, you thought it was more important at that moment to let a kind woman tell you her truth. So what if you had places to be? She was so passionate and she had her cute little kids with her. Maybe she was lonely and just wanted someone to listen to her. You wanted to be that person and remind her that her voice matters. After all, what harm could come from talking to her? 

Okay, so you did agree to give her and her kids a ride home, but that’s because the buses don’t go to her house! The family would’ve been stranded if it weren’t for your kindness. They didn’t end up getting stranded, but you sure did. You accidentally joined a cult. Your friends and family haven’t seen you in years, but at least you got a nice haircut! (They made you shave your head.)

They dismissed you after a couple of years, but you’re so loyal that you opted to stay and take care of the kids. They love you and you didn’t want them to grow up in an unstable environment! Those little rascals deserve only the best! (They’re going to lead the cult when they’re older.)

Leo

We know what you’re really after. Sure, you can pretend that you’re excited for the job that you’ve landed, but deep down you know that your talents are being wasted. A person of your star-studded stature deserves more. More fame, more glory. (More money wouldn’t hurt either.)

We think you’re going to quit your job and chase the life that someone with a personality as big as yours deserves. What do we mean by that? Hollywood, of course! Think about it. You’re at the end of your rope after scrolling through TikTok all day at your cubicle. You decide that you want to be an influencer, too, so you storm into the manager’s office and tell them you quit.

Fast forward a couple of months and you’ve earned yourself barely 100 followers and one C-List commercial role! But don’t worry, we’re sure you’ll blow up soon. 

Virgo

Of course, you’re graduating, Virgo. We bet that you’ve been thinking about graduation from the moment that you stepped foot on campus and went to your first 8 a.m. Well, now it’s here!

We aren’t at all worried about you finding a job. But aren’t you? Aren’t you scared that you won’t be good enough to be hired anywhere? Aren’t you worried that you didn’t really earn your degree? Aren’t you anxious that you won’t make enough money to support yourself? Aren’t you worried that your impossibly high debt is going to take money out of every paycheck you earn for the rest of your life?

Okay, breathe. 

Scorpio

You love to boss people around, and they hate you for it. So, you can’t work in a place where people get along. Mutual respect disgusts you. People can’t be your equals; they will always be below you (or at least, that’s how you see it). What better place to have that mindset than in a fast-food restaurant? Tell those little teenagers that they’re incompetent and should cry to their mothers. It’ll feel great … for you. Them? They might have to unpack some things to their therapists later, but that’s not your job. You don’t get paid minimum wage as a manager to care. That’s preposterous! 

Unfortunately, this job won’t keep you satisfied, as you do love to know everything. So, you decide to get a master’s degree online. This way, you can humble others during the day and get humbled at night. 

Sagittarius 

You’re independent, or at least that’s what you tell others when they ask what you do for a living. By ‘independent,’ you actually mean that you’re unemployed. You really wanted to tell it to the man after graduating with a philosophy degree. What did you think you were going to do with that? Teach? You think you’re too smart to be able to communicate your thoughts to others. The students couldn’t possibly meet you at your level!

You’re so independent that your bank account reminds you every day. Zero sure is separate from the other values – because it isn’t one. What a shame. You’re thinking of becoming a philosophy TikTok creator so you can speak your truth and make some coin without being at the will of a supervisor. It’s a good thing you live in your parent’s basement (like an independent icon) and beg your mom to cook for you every day. You don’t have to worry about those silly little adult expenses, because at least you’re not working for the man!

The only man you work for is Karl Marx!

Capricorn

Your perfectionistic and workaholic nature has gotten you through to graduation with flying colors. Unfortunately for you, this will not remain a good thing. 

What’s that thing that you really hate doing? Begins with an M? Oh, yeah: mistakes. We think you’re gonna be a chronic job hopper. You know, the type of person to roll up to a job interview with 13 listed positions as a 24-year-old? After all, you don’t have to face your mistakes if you just no-call no-show!

So what if it makes you look inconsistent? We say it’s best to keep a perfect record of never messing up on the job. Besides, your manager was totally gonna fire you for spelling your first name wrong on that one email – you made the right decision to run out of the office in tears.

Pisces 

We want you to be sure that your imaginative personality isn’t lost in the mundanity of the real world. Faxing papers? Filling out Excel sheets? Zoom meetings? Yuck. Gross. We know.

That’s why we think that you’re going to pretend that every day on the job is another episode of “The Office.” Did someone say something really stupid in a meeting? Look over your shoulder at an imaginary camera. Make a really good joke on lunch break? Look over your shoulder at an imaginary camera. See? There’s nothing that deluding yourself into believing that your dead-end job is the set of an office mockumentary can’t fix!

Libra

We know you’re an artist who was too afraid to suffer the financial consequences of being an art student. Don’t feel too bad about it; why do you think we write horoscopes for a student newspaper? 

Anyways, why let that artistic streak of yours go to waste? Why not start an Etsy page where you sell cute trinkets that you make when you’re not too tired after working, taking care of your family and maintaining a social life? (You won’t make the trinkets, you’re gonna go to bed at 9:53 p.m..) Why not go to local small business fairs around your neighborhood and sell some of your work? (You won’t have anything to sell because your body continues to shut down at 9:53 p.m..) Why not submit your poetry and writing to local outlets? Surely they’ll publish it, right? (They won’t.) 

Yikes. Things are looking rough. Don’t get discouraged, though, Libra! Perhaps you can bring your artistic side to your boring, slightly depressing day job! Ransack your local Pier 1 Imports and make the office your canvas!

Aquarius

You’re unpredictable. That makes it hard for us to tell you your post-graduate plans, right? Our best guess is that you’ll be all over the place. First, you’ll contemplate sticking with your degree. You have a STEM degree but don’t want to go to graduate school. It can be hard to get STEM jobs without a graduate degree, though. So you decide to move home and spend time looking at jobs. 

However, the job market isn’t loving you as a candidate. You have a general background and lack enough experience for a specialized position. You don’t have enough research experience to work in the industry. You don’t know policy well enough to work in a non-governmental organization. You don’t have enough scientific writing experience to publish or edit papers. You don’t have good enough people skills to work in a lab. 

Well, you could really do anything – or nothing. Nothing sounds enticing. You spend the year after you graduate applying to jobs every day and facing rejection after rejection. For now, working as a barista is your calling. Then, maybe you’ll decide to apply to graduate school after all. Running away is always an option, too.

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