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Monday, September 27, 2021
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How to waste your money on Amazon

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One thing I personally have been eyeballing for perhaps a year now are these wonderful sneaker roller skates. It is basically a pair of Heelys with a modern twist, but I personally loved Heelys and am thrilled about this new generation of shoes with wheels. After all, why walk when you can roll?
This option is more affordable, and I would say, roughly 10 times funnier. It is a hilarious coloring book filled with adorable little animals saying profanities. This book combined with some alcohol could make for an extremely fun night with your friends.
In all of my research, I received no better response to my question, “What’s the best thing you’ve bought on Amazon,” than this: “A tiny hat for a cat. I don’t have a cat, but I put it on my desk and it’s adorable to look at.” Then I came across this particular one made for Thanksgiving, and I was sold.
This option I like because it has the potential to change so many things in your life. With a bedazzler, you literally have the power to make everything you own sparkle. If that’s not an exciting premise, I don’t know what is.
There has been a bit of buzz around this item, and I must say I personally own this, and I understand why the buzz is there. Who wouldn’t get a kick out of a miniature inflatable tube guy, and who says they’re only for car dealerships? Mine sits on a decorative floating shelf. They’re endless fun, and there’s always a new song to make them dance to.
The next thing that I personally plan to buy is a disco ball. I love everything about them, and I am a sucker for anything that makes for fun lighting in general. You will one day catch me having a disco every night.
I feel like I don’t even need to explain why having a moon bounce delivered to your door would be awesome. Though this option is a bit more of an investment, it is worth it to have the coolest yard in town.
Here is a fun one for the 21+ year-olds out there: a revolving alcohol caddy. Stock it up with your favorite liquor, and you’re ready to impress all of your friends at a post-COVID party.
A projector is an insanely helpful thing to have. It is a great alternative to a TV; it takes up much less space and it isn’t too hard to recreate a movie theater experience. Or you could get creative and have a super cool photo shoot — the possibilities are endless.
After spending hours scrolling through Amazon, I became curious, could you buy a living thing on the website? The answer, scarily, is yes — one thing I found was two live hermit crabs. I will not make any promises that they will show up alive, and I honestly do not really recommend this, but this is pretty wild and therefore worth being put on the list.
Tired of all your boring old clothes? Buy an inflatable body suit. Imagine how funny you’d look doing all your daily household tasks or dancing around. Plus, it would be a great conversation starter on your Zoom calls.
Life’s full of annoyances these days, so it might be a good idea to get yourself a punching bag. There’s no need to keep all your annoyance inside; take it out on your punching bag instead. I used to have one of these, and I can definitely say that it very much can make you feel better — I’ve been missing it a lot these days.
You can get a tapestry with anything on it these days, and they can get pretty unhinged. Take a look at this one for instance: a photo of none other than Kim Jong Un with the quote, “Live, laugh, love.” Whether or not he truly said this is up for debate, but who cares about accuracy when it comes to top tier home decor?
Coming across this on Amazon was quite frankly upsetting and confusing, but also hilarious. This is the perfect accessory for all of those times you thought you’d look a little less like yourself, and a little more like the famous ogre from the DreamWorks classic, “Shrek.” Plus, it will keep your ears warm.
I will conclude this list with a classic: a parachute like the ones you might have played with in elementary school P.E. It’s amazing that more people don’t have these as I feel like a lot of people have fond memories tied to them. Why should the memories have to stop as you get older?

Senior Reporter

Every day, social media introduces us to a new product we “need,” and thanks to Amazon, it is easier than ever to get our hands on all this stuff. 

You click one button, and virtually, any product you can dream of is at your door within two days. Even better, you no longer even need a screen involved. Thanks to Alexa products, you can even just shout, “buy more of this” or “buy more of that.”

Even further, thanks to coronavirus, Amazon has become more essential than ever before:

“While there might be issues with Amazon, during the pandemic, many people were grateful for the option of home delivery. I believe the pandemic has increased the popularity of Amazon and other merchants that offer home delivery,” says James Butkiewicz, a professor at the university. 

Amazon is seemingly taking over our world, with its founder Jeff Bezos having a net worth of $185.1 billion. And regardless of whether we support such a huge corporation or not, it is nearly impossible to resist the temptation of ordering item after item when it’s so easy.

“I feel conflicted because it is a really easy way to get what I’m looking for, and it’s really fast with Prime shipping; but I always feel guilty if I buy something from Amazon that I could’ve gotten at a smaller business,” says Caitlin Velez, a student at the university.

Consumerism, a phenomenon in which people are continually encouraged to buy more and more goods, has been on the rise since the Industrial Revolution. In our modern age, it is at an all-time high, and this is likely due to large corporations like Amazon that thrive off of our obsession with material things.

Amazon provides us with so many excellent ways to waste our money, and how are we to fight it? Everyday on TikTok I see lists of things you, once again, “need” on Amazon, and a lot of the products are extremely cool even if they are also totally unnecessary. Plus, what is one person to do? I don’t have a degree in economics or finance, so how could I possibly fix all of the flaws of a capitalist society?

Therefore, why not just buy the most outrageous things we can, because it can be a heck of a lot of fun? We must ask not what we can do for capitalism, but what capitalism can do for us.

In line with that philosophy, I have made a list of some of the most ridiculous yet thrilling things money can buy you on Amazon. After weeks of searching the internet, watching every stupid TikTok Amazon haul and talking with a lot of friends, I believe I have found some of the best options.

It is unlikely that our capitalist, consumerist society will be changing anytime soon, so we might as well keep our eyes peeled for any other bizarre things we can find.

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