BY NADYA ELLERHORST
Staff Writer
Once upon a weeknight dreary, after typing and reading about some theory,
Perusing in-depth academic journal and article galore–
While I lay in bed, almost sleeping, suddenly there came a beeping,
And then some one really vroomin’, vroomin’ outside my residence hall floor
“‘Tis some meanie,” I realized, “vroomin’ outside my residence hall floor–
And there’s nothing in this world I despise more.”
Ugh, distinctly I recall it in September, October, November, December;
And each time reverberating about my residence hall floor.
Painfully I’d dread tomorrow;– waking to leave the building with exhausted sorrow
So. Much. Exhausted sorrow–sorrow for the lost REM of the night before–
Thanks to the driver whose engine revved outside my residence hall floor–
Sleep-deprived for evermore.
And the ear-splitting, obnoxious revving of each loud engine
Awoke me–filled me with levels of annoyance unknown before;
So that I wished, in my polyester PJ’s, to stand repeating
“’Tis some meanie making noises Newark cannot ignore–
Some meanie whose cantankerous automobile I abhor
Alright, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore.”
Presently my fantasy grew stronger; opening my window, I wished to holler
“Sir,” I’d yell, “or Madam, what in the name of YoUDee are you thinking?
Look, the thing is I was nearly snoozin’, and then you came insufferably zoomin’
And so audibly you went a vroomin’, right outside my residence hall floor
And trust me, everyone heard you”–here, I’d lean my head out more
But they’ve already driven away, with another roar.
Into my room’s darkness staring, long I lay there glaring, despairing,
Doubting I’d be dreaming any dreams with these drivers outside my door;
And yet again the silence was broken, and half asleep I was further woken
Jolting up, utterly broken, issuing a whispered plea, “Please no more.”
And in response, a rumbling answer echoes back, “VROOOOMvroomvroomvroomvroomvroomvroom”–
I guess I’ll sleep “Nevermore.”
“The Vroomin’” is a condensed reimagining of Edgar Allen Poe’s 1845 poem “The Raven.” “The Vroomin’” was inspired in part by a (somewhat fictional) legend regarding Poe and Deer Park Tavern and the staff writer’s belief in expressing one’s frustrations in rhyming form.
